Night Butterfly

2010-06-18T23:14:00.001+08:00

I AM BORED!!!

that is the reason i am updating my blog.. i've been waiting in the car for the past half an hour.. and he is chatting with an old friend who will be getting married tomorrow..

since i have nothing to do, let me update my blog readers on what had been happening in my life for the past few months..

first of all, i am swamp with work!!! i've been working my ass off to prepare tender proposals.. when i submit one proposal, there will be 2 or even 3 new incoming ITB..
why all the hard work? well.. my boss promised to make me the proposal manager if i can manage everything on my own.. the tough part is, i have to come up with something new.. new ideas.. improve the current materials.. how can i come up with something new when my brain is occupied with all the proposals that need to be submitted??
ok.. enough of work.. i don't want to talk about it anymore..

i've been shopping for new handbags!! i bought 2 handbags last month!! LV and Dior.. crazy?? totally!!!
and now i can't shop at all!! need to clear my CC and save up some money to buy Jimmy Choo shoes!!!
:D

people is getting married here an there.. everywhere!! what a nightmare!!
i feel old! sigh~ i am going to be 24 this december.. but i don't feel like a 24 years old person.. hahahaha..

my cats are getting fatter day by day.. the only thing that they do is eat, sleep, ask for attention, look out the window and play with each other..

my friend just told me her dog is dead.. the vet said he was poisoned.. poor doggie.. may you rest in peace..

i think i have wrote enough for now.. i have to go and scream at my bf for being an asshole keeping me waiting in the car!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-03-01T02:29:00.001+08:00

i kinda break things off with him.. at first everything seems fine.. at last i get my independance! unfortunately after a week, i felt like something is missing.. and i think that i am not ready to let him go after all.. is it true? is this why i am having this feeling? i feel like crying.. after months of thinking and when i finally did it, i felt terrible! i've been with him for annoying 6 years and it is terribly hard to let go!

why is it so hard?!
is it because i am suppose to be with him?
is it because i am afraid of him moving on without me?
is it because i don't know what i want?

GOD! please help me! give me guidance.. please let me know what am i suppose to do about this matter.. i really desperately need you to tell me what to do because i just can't think straight!

:((

i feel empty..
but i've felt empty for months! but this empty feeling is different.. sigh~

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-01-10T01:39:00.001+08:00

i am currently at Eagle Ranch Port Dickson.. PDE organized a family day for all the staffs..

reach here around 1 pm.. had lunch.. the check in time is at 3 pm.. so we decided to play gocart.. unfortunately they only have 1 car.. so we can either ask for refund or change it to other games.. some of us decided to play archery.. it is tough! considering i am a girl with not so strong hands.. the thing was REALLY heavy! but it was fun..

after archery, we went for horse riding.. i choose to ride a white horse.. his name is STAR and he is 19 years old.. i was like..

"hi star.. i am moon.. please be nice to me.."

LOL!

at 4.30pm we played several group management games such as giant slippers, acid river and a few other games that i don't even know the name.. it was fun! really fun!

we had BBQ dinner at 8.00pm.. we sang and dance.. they ask me to sing but i told them i don't sing.. i just dance.. and to my surprise, they asked me to dance! sigh~ i am not really a great dancer when i am sober because i am quite shy.. suprise?? hahahha.. the emcee even told me that i am not being myself tonight because i just sit and act shy.. i am normally a very loud person.. hahahaha..

after dinner, which is around 11.00pm, we headed to PD's town to have some drinks.. it was so damn far from our resort!

and now i am in my room trying to get some sleep because i need to wake up early tomorrow morning for the paint ball game.. lets hope i wont get shot! * keeping my fingers crossed*

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-01-04T02:57:00.001+08:00

i can't sleep.. aarrgghhh.. how can i force myself to sleep..?? i need to sleep!! i have to go to work in the morning!!

i've decided to make the best of 2010..

1. i will wake up early for work
2. i'll try my best to not be late to work
3. i'll drag myself to the gym.. at least 3/4 times a week
4. i will finish my degree
5. i will pay up all my credit card balance
6. i will save up more
7. i will do overtimes daily
8. i'll try my best to improve myself in every way that i could

lets do it!!
=)
hello 2010!! i am ready for you no matter how shitty it might be..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-01-03T02:33:00.002+08:00

its 2.30 am and i still can't get myself to sleep... sigh~
since i don't know what to do, i decided to blog...

i am contemplating either to continue my degree or not because the course is so damn difficult and i don't think it relates to the job that i am doing... i am not really into technical site nowadays since my boss promoted me to project coordinator / proposal coordinator... so i basically monitor projects progress and make proposal for bid... boring huh...?

if i am in design, then this course would be good for me...
but then if i want to concentrate on PDMS, i think it would be better for me to take professional course for PDMS such as admin / pml right...?

it is really hard to decide!
i talked to my mom and she asked me what i want to do in the future... she asked me if i want to work with PDE for the rest of my life... she asked me if i want to be project coordinator for the rest of my life... i was like... hmmm... she is not helping me with my decision at all! obviously she disagree with me to discontinue my degree since she have masters so she wants me to have higher education then she does... expectations... what can you do with it..?? sigh~

and so i decided to go with the flow... i went to the classes even tho i can't understand a single word that the lecturer is saying.. i am physically in the class but my mind is elsewhere...

my heart had never been in engineering...
i prefer working in labs.. it is more interesting... you get to analyze something new and learn new things... but now i am stuck here doing something that i don't have passion for... i just do it anyway for the money... it is so pathetic!

how do i end up in engineering...??
because my mom forced me to take this bloody course of course!
well... may be it is good for me... just may be...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

a girl can dream as much as she wants right...??
guess how i visualize myself in 10 years time...??

i'll be happily married... with adorable kids... in my dream house...
i will be spending my time at home doing some gardening... sending and fetching my kids to school... help them with their homework... cook for my family...
have tea with my best friends...
go shopping whenever i feel like going...
and may be i'll have my own business...

it would be like in fairy tales if all my dreams could come true...
haaaiiizzz...
if only...

*keeping my fingers crossed*

2010-01-01T03:09:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year 2010!!
welcoming the new year with hope 2010 will bring abundance of wealth, joy, health and happiness..
the new year has just begin.. its a long way to go.. with new resolutions in hand, i will try my best to make the best of 2010..

i am still not engaged to anybody?? its already 2010 yo!! i am 24 years old this year!!
i want to get married and have kids.. so random! LOL!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2009-12-28T22:30:00.001+08:00

first day of menses! i hate it!
i hate it when it comes and i am worried when it doesnt.. hahahah..
no wonder i've been very moody since last week.. even the smallest thing would make me angry.. haaiizz..

i'm going to be 23 years old tomorrow.. i've received 2 advance birthday presents.. one from my aunt and another one is from my friend.. thank you so much!
anyways, below are all the things that i wish for my birthday :

1. Audi TT Coupe
2. Chanel Handbag
3. Miu Miu Heels
4. Sony Cybershot Camera

=)
is it too much to ask..? hehehehe..
oh well.. a girl can wish and dream as much as she wants right?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2009-12-28T00:51:00.001+08:00

alot had happened since the last time i updated my blog.. i've been robbed, my car had been hit from the back, i started my class and i get an increment..

i feel like i've been through alot this year.. especially the not so good experience.. its like 2009 is really not a good year for me.. sigh.. but life must go on right..?

i am so looking forward for 2010 with hope that 2010 will bring joy and success for me.. i also have a list of resolution for next year! suprise? so am i.. hahahaha.. i am not usually the person who make resolutions for new year..

trying to complete my degree with flying colors would be one of my new year's resolution.. but it looks impossible for me since the course is so difficult! getting 'pass' for any subject would be good enough.. there is absolutely NO reading and memorizing subject! all subjects are calculations subjects! and i am so not good with numbers! i hate numbers! i even hate my credit card total bill numbers!!! i am thinking of quitting.. what say you..? good idea? no? may be mechanical engineering is just not for me.. i've never seen myself in engineering.. i am in this field because of my mom..

i've just receive a text msg from my mom saying that she is making an 'island' in my bedroom.. ISLAND! hahahha.. she said Kimora Lee Simon said every successfull girl must have an island of her own.. huh?? gagagaga.. is this a fungshui thing or what..? well.. i guess i have to get home and discover how my bedroom looks like when its turn into an island.. LOL!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2009-12-10T17:28:00.000+08:00

seriously it is hard to survive if you are living in the city! money are like running water.. you have to wait for a month to get that fat pay check and in less then a day it will be gone.. sigh~

i need at least $3200 monthly only for all the bills.. seriously! that does not include my pocket money.. just for the bills and my mom's monthly pocket money.. gagaga~ my head is gonna explode!

yes i know people will say i should stop shopping and all.. i cannot help it! i need to shop to destress!! its not like i buy handbags and shoes monthly.. i really do control myself..

i really need an increament considering i have to pay for my education fees as well.. sigh~

you will need at least $10k salary to survive! seriously! i can't imagine how people earning less then me can survive.. plus if they have kids, it would be a nightmare!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2009-12-02T01:07:00.001+08:00

i love you too much to let you go..

but i think it is time to let you go..

it hurts so much to think about it but i think it is for the best..

i can't tolerate you..

and you can't tolarate me..

you clearly said you had been patient with me for the past 6 years.. its like you had been suffering in silence..

to love you is to let you go..

to love you is to let you find your happinest..

to love you is to release you from all the sufferings..

to love you is to look at you and know that you will find someone that will make you happy..

i love you but i guess it is just not meant to be..

i can't find enough strenght and anger to hate you..

all i can say is.....

i love you too much to let you go..

this would be one of the most hardest thing that i have to do in my life..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2009-11-24T14:17:00.000+08:00

its been a while..
i've been busy..
busy with work and all..
overall, everything had been great!

i've been accepted to join UTM Space - Bachelor in Mechanical Engineering!!!
i am so happy and nervous at the same time! thinking about all the classes and assignments and test and exams and quizes.. omg! omg! i am not sure if my brain can still absorb any educational stuffs.. lol!
so i'll be going to UTM Skudai in Johore on the 5th Dec 09 for the registration and my class will start on 19th Dec 09.. next month! in a couple of weeks.. phew~

the next thing that i need to think about is the uni fees.. i don't have enough savings.. so i decided to ask mama to pay for my fees.. heheehe.. of course she agrees! i am the only child.. plus i won't be able to request for educational loan since i don't have any guarantor..

so here is my checklist :

1. important docs for registration [ ]
2. outfit [ ]
3. fees [x]
4. study bag [ ]
5. laptop [x]
6. color my hair [ ]
7. stationary [x]

hurmm.. there are alot of things that i need to get done asap..

btw, my classes would be on the weekends.. yes! on saturdays and sundays.. i am sure i'll be depressed because i won't have enough time to go and have fun.. well, sacrifices had to be made.. am sure i'll find some time to have fun! :p

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2009-11-04T01:21:00.000+08:00

where is a better place then home..? no where.. when you are exhausted from work, you want to go home.. when you are pushed to your breaking point, you want to go home.. when you are sad, you want to go home.. home is where the heart is.. it is the most comfortable place for me.. to be me..

i am sorry i gave you hope..
i am sorry i pushed you to do something that may be you are not ready for..
lets just pretend that i had never said anything about marriage.. because i dont think i can do it.. i dont think that i am the right person for you.. i want things that are not easy to be fulfilled.. i want things the way i want it.. i want everything to be perfect no matter what and i dont want to be dissapointed.. so yeah.. i have decided to stick with my 'must list'..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2009-10-27T00:01:00.000+08:00

i love my babies..

i am having cramps and sore throat.. :(

2009-10-23T21:14:00.000+08:00

my sweet mama packed breakfast for me..

ok.. i know its a bit burned.. but wth.. its the thoughts that counts right..? ^_^

i am still in the office at 9.00 pm during a friday night.. and i have to come to the office again tomorrow.. sigh~
i am having menses and migrain.. great!

i went to klcc during lunch hour and guess what i saw..?? habib jewels is having sale!! so for those lucky guy who wants to marry me, you can buy the engagememt ring there.. hehehe..

2009-10-21T22:46:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder why do we have to go through all of the things that we had gone through.. is it because of the choices that we made in life or is it because god had written all of it for us..

i am not in good terms with my mom..? reason..? i don't know! she had been really quiet.. well, only towards me.. ever since she retired, she had been really difficult to talk to.. i wonder why.. isnt people suppost to be happier after they retire..? hmm.. can you imagine how dissapointed i am when i am looking forward to go home and tell her about this great idea that i have but when i get home all i get from her is the long face.. masam mencuka! it just killed my intention to tell her anything..

life does not go the way you want it to be.. all you can do is be strong and never stop believing in yourself!

2009-10-20T21:01:00.002+08:00

SOME IDIOT STOLE MY CHANEL SHADES!!

damn u!!

its chanel pearl collection...

i am so angry and sad and huarrrgghhh!! i don't know how to explain what i am feeling right now... this is my second sunglasses that had been stolen.. my first sunglasses that was stolen was my gucci sunglasses... damn you thief!!

2009-10-15T15:59:00.004+08:00

its almost a week since the last update! i was so caught up with work and so i have no time to blog... that is just sad...

everybody is in KL... not really everybody... i am just exaggerating! :p

adik, mak ijah, mak ani and aunty cha is in KL... i don't have the opportunity to bring them go jalan-jalan since i am working on weekdays... but i am planning to bring adik to Laundry since she wanted to go to a club but unfortunately i am broke... so Laundry would be good enough... no cover charge! hahahhaha... sorry adik... wrong timing la... next time come to KL early of the month otey...?

Isetan is having sale!!

the pre-sale was just awesome!!! i like it alot!! sale up to 70%!!!

can u imagine buying 3 clothes that will cost you around $600++ (normal price) but i just paid $100++ because they are on 70% discount...?! talk about value buy!! so worth it!! i am smiling from ear to ear... hehehehehe...

i am going to Cameron Highlands this weekend!! weee~ okey... i am over exited because i had never been there before... i am so looking forward for it... then i can take lotsa pictures of me with the backgrounds of the strawberry park, flower park, whatever park that they have... lol! must remind myself to charge my digi cam's battery!

2009-10-09T04:47:00.002+08:00

i am sick and i am having nightmare!!

can u imagine how sick i am even my office mate asked me to go home and see the Doctor and let him finish my work...?? yes! that sick!

the dialog between the DR and i (please bear in your mind the DR is the type of DR that won't give you mc even if you cry for it)...

DR : yes...? what is your problem...?

me : i am having flu, cough and ulser...

DR : show me the ulser...

me : showed him the ulser

DR : starting to press here and there and asked me if i am feeling any pain...

me : i had been working from 9.00 am till 12.00 am daily for two weeks straight!

DR : plant design engineers (reading the writings on my shirt)

DR : you are an engineer... what to do...

me : -_-"

DR : your throat is infected...

DR : the ulser indicates that you are stress considering your working hours and your job...

me : can i get mc for tomorrow...? i don't think i can take it anymore...

DR : yes... of course...

yey!! so i am on mc today!! woot~

i remembered visiting the DR when i was having migraine and he told me "selagi you tak stroke, that means you can walk and you can go to work!" wtf right..? but yeah... at least i get my mc... i am sure the DR knows that i am not lying by looking at the dark circles around my eyes! ewww~ hate it!

the nightmare starts when i can't seem to sleep... my body is TERRIBLY tired but my eyes can't seem to close and fall asleep... sigh~ but when i fall asleep, i will be awake by nightmares of pipes and pipe racks!! seriously!! i think i've been awaken by the same nightmare about 3 to 4 times!

even tho i get mc, my mind is still at the office... is this what the DR said take your medication, sleep and relax...? i don't think so!

2009-10-07T12:37:00.002+08:00

why can't they design all the pipes straight...?? straight up to the end and all at the same level...

i hate doing PlantLinx!! seriously!! even tho all the pipes at the pipe rack area looks simple because it looks straight, trust me when i say it is not simple! not at all! they have multiple levels (causes you to have nausea because of the gazillion point clouds) and it gets super irritating when they start joining with (god knows where they come from) other pipes! and it will make you faint when they start to route upwards or downwards or both! freaking annoying! and it feels like forever to finish modeling them!!

i am having flu, sore throat, cough and my body feels weak! i need a new job!

-_-"

***********************************************

i know what can cheer me up!

shopping!! woot~ (forgetting the fact that i can't really do any shopping like forever!)

i am really in need of a new purse! my Ferragamo purse is already torn apart! i don't really like Ferragamo now since the quality is not that good... how can the purse that cost thousand of ringgit get torn in less then a year when it is just kept in the handbag...?? ridiculous right...??

enough of that... lets go net shopping... not really buying something... just to pick out the perfect one for me! then we can head to the nearest boutique! weeeuuu~

2009-10-05T21:19:00.002+08:00

Facebook is BLOCKED!!

how am i suppost to live without my Facebook...?? uwaaa... this is just cruel! so damn cruel! hahahaha... ok... i am being ridiculous... i can still access my Facebook account via my Iphone... but still... i can't open all the games that i played on Facebook!! grrr~ i will be too tired to access it at home... sigh~

anyways, work is getting on my nerves! we have a dateline... we are suppose to finish a certain amount of work in a day... unfortunately the server is getting crazier day by day... i can't even connect to the network server! then how am i suppose to finish my work...??

a little updates on my weekends activities :

friday night : attended Lip Lap Raya 2009 at my university in malacca

saturday : went to work until 12.00am then went to Laundry to join a few friends

sunday : went to izam's house for hari raya

and there goes my weekend... mostly at the office working...

2009-10-01T22:02:00.002+08:00

my friend passed away today at 4.00pm.. his name was akram.. he was 23 years old.. he suffered from brain cancer for 3 years.. may his soul rest in peace.. amin..

life is short.. hopefully our life is long enough to help the people in need.. i hope my life will be long enough to take care of my mother, cats and my future family..

********************

you think your job sucks..?
you think your workload is unbearable..?
you think your working hours is too long..?
try working at my company.. lol!

we are forced to do overtime until 11.00 pm everyday!! i know we have to stay back longer then that expecially on weekends.. and we most probably have to come to work on sundays.. reason being..? we have to finish all the projects on the dateline given by hook or by crook!! there are 3 projects running at the moment.. and we have to complete all of it by this month! crazy or what..?

tired..
stress..
sore eyes..
back ache
you name it! sigh~

after we finish all of these projects, there will be another big project waiting for us.. no break i tell you! the boss said, he didnt bothered us during our raya leave so he wants us to commit 100% to our work.. can you imagine working from 9.00am to 12.00am..? everyday..? everyweek..? bleeergh.. hate it! but there is nothing much that we can do.. we can complain.. but we will still have to finish all of the works.. one thing for sure, if we refuse to follow his instructions, we will have problem with our salary increament.. huhu..

2009-09-30T19:18:00.002+08:00

i was sitting at my workstation when i feel my body was shaking.. i thought my heart was palpating really fast that caused my body to shake.. a few seconds later the whole office was panicking because our office building was shaking.. the good thing is, we get to go home early because of this.. if it didnt happen we should probably had to stay at the office until 9.00 pm or later.. :p

volcano eruption in sumatera scaling more then 7.7 caused this massive panic all over kl.. luckily nobody got hurt..

2009-09-29T22:27:00.002+08:00

fragile heart

even a simple hello can make it smile...

one wrong word can make it bleed...

i used to think whatever that i think won't hurt me won't hurt anybody else... but i was wrong... there are a lot of things that i had said that might hurt some other people's feeling... sometimes we just say whatever that we feel to the person that we are comfortable with but they cannot take it... why...? because they are just human with fragile heart... it is best to keep things to yourself... we might feel the burden to keep everything inside, but it is better then hurting some other people's feeling without realizing it...

i never thought a simple greeting card would make someone so happy... i remembered giving my managing director a Hari Raya's greeting card and he was so happy because he had never received a greeting card from any of his staff... in fact he had never received any greeting cards throughout his working years... i can see how his face lighted and how he smiled when he received it...

all these simple experience that i gain really touched my heart and made me realize how fragile we are as human beings... cherish every single thing like it is the last day of your life because we will never know when we will die...

stop and smell the roses because it might not be there the next time you walk by...

2009-09-29T16:10:00.002+08:00

Stay in fashion year round without breaking the bank!

to those who LOVE designer handbags but cannot afford to buy them, check out this website! Bags in the City

it is a place where you can rent and even buy the handbag that you like at a lower price... and all of the bags that they provide are authentic... sounds good huh...?? you just have to rent the bag that you desire, then if you like it, you can purchase it straight away!

hmm... may be i should do the same thing to... rent out all the designer handbags that i have... lol!

2009-09-28T18:26:00.004+08:00

new url yo! lol...

i had to restrict my blog readers because of a psycho guy...

and now i decided to change my url and my name! what a troublesome!

anyways, how do you guys like my new layout...? too dark...? no...?

i want to be one of malaysia's top bloggers! yeah right! inspired by Project Alpha... ;p

first day at work...

i am so lazy after enjoying my 1 week holiday with food and sleep...

i wish i could just stay at home and do whatever i wanted to do... its like a dream come true! phew~

this cat is so adorable!!

i wanna pinch it so hard!! hahahah...

i know i look fat in this picture...

talking about fat; i have an appointment with Mayfair on the 10th of October at 11.00 am... lets hope i don't forget about it! i am so looking forward to be slim and slender again... what a joke! hahahaha... well, like people used to say, nothing is impossible in life!

2009-09-25T23:15:00.002+08:00

Happy Eid Mubarak to all muslims..

i know its a little bit late, i had been busy and lazy..

raya was ok.. not as joyful as it used to be.. why..? i have no idea.. i even ask my mom to come back to kl earlier because i was so bored..

i drove my less then a day car to singapore.. lol!

i had to bring him for servicing today because the mileage is already more then 1000 km.. i travelled that far in less then a week!!!

achuk is in kl..

he pee and shit all over the place..

he doesnt even want to clean himself up!!

bought him diapers..

he had been shouting for no reason..

hate it but i dont have any other choice for now..

sigh~

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-09-14T18:48:00.000+08:00

damn u period pain!!

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-09-14T11:02:00.003+08:00

hello people!!

good news!!

i loose 4kg!! woott~

my tummy is really bloated right now thanks to menses... no wonder i had been having stomach ache for the past 1 week... and no wonder my mood swings was REALLY bad!! heheheheh... anyways, i am really happy because i don't have to fast and i won't be in the angel's bad book for not fasting... lol!

speaking about fasting, we have only 5 days to go!! i am so excited! i am more excited because i'll be getting my car by this week... keeping my fingers cross... plz GOD!~ i've been waiting for 3 months... don't you think it is long enough to torture me...? sigh~

can't wait for hari raya
can't wait for my new car
can't wait to go to beijing
can't wait to buy a new house
can't wait to get rid of useless people in my life
can't wait to get married... oopppss! LOL!

my aunt texted me last week and asked me how much did i used my credit card and how much do i pay for it monthly... and i was like... what...?? i told her i paid 1k for my credit card monthly and sometimes more depending on my income... and she was like... that is too little... i tot u salary this and that... blablabla... like wtf..?!

firstly, i really don't like it when people ask me about my income (it is my income and not yours... so please mind your own buisness)
secondly, i really don't like it when people ask me what did i do with my money (i am not a kid anymore, i know how to manage my money!)
thirdly, i hate it when people say "where did your money go...?? you spend your money on unnecessary things and later on your don't have money to pay for whatever3..." (like i said, i am not a kid anymore, i know what is my priority)

OMG! OMG! i tried a bed at harvey norman yesterday and it was the best bed EVER!! it is like a quick sand... it pulls your body... aaaahhhhh~ i would never want to wake up!! :D

unfortunately it is very expensive! but i bet it is really worth it! the normal price is RM26K... and the offer price is RM16K... i can't even afford it when it is on discount!! i hate myself!!

I WANT THAT BED SET!!!

2009-09-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

i am emotionally wrecked!!!
i don't know why..
my emotional is unstable..
is it because i am so stressed out..?
or is it because i am too tired..?

i feel abandoned..
i feel lonely..
i feel like there is nobody that i can talk to..

my mom was saying this and that this evening..
and i just shouted my lungs out and closed my ears..
then i cried..
without any specific reason..
i don't know why i did that..

i just felt that i need to shout to get everything out of my heart..
but i didn't say anything..
i just shouted aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
like one spastic person!!!
sigh~
i think i am going crazy..

i think the responsibility and workloads that i have to do has taken the best of me..
i need a break!!

when i am around people, i feel ok..
still empty..
but when i am alone, i felt worst!
i felt that i am not worty of anything..
what is going on with me..?

i dont want to feel this way..
i am sad..

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-09-07T22:16:00.000+08:00

going to beijing in january!!
winter time.. wooohooo~

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-09-05T20:20:00.001+08:00

woke up at 12 am and went to office at 2.00 pm.. need to finish all the necessary documents for the proposal that need to be submitted on monday..

went out from office at 6.00 pm.. and wonders where to go for buka puasa..

look at my cute slippers.. love it! :D

i used mama's watch.. i need it to match my handbag.. actually i bought her the Fendi watch for her 55th birthday.. heheeh.. sharing is caring right..? :p

went buka puasa at Paradise Restaurant... seriously all the dishes are the best! expecially the black papper meat!

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-09-05T00:02:00.000+08:00

i am so FULL today!!
had nasi minyak with ayam masak merah, daging rendang, aca and papedem for buka puasa.. phew~ there goes my diet! lol! but hey, i think i've lost some weight during this fasting month because i noticed that my double chin is gone!! yey!! heheehe..

i've been craving for big apple donuts and i get to eat it yesterday and today i get to eat aunty anne's pretzels!! woohhooo~ satisfaction to the max! :D

here are some pictures of me enjoying my caramel almond pretzel.. nyum2x!!

i need to go to work tomorrow because there is a proposal to be submitted tomorrow.. i hate having to go to work on weekends! but yeah.. i cam earn some extra income by doing overtime..

talking about money, i am totally BROKE this month!! like really!! i had to pay my credit card, give mama money, save up some money and most importantly i have to pay ALL the house bills and it cost around $500.. sigh~ i didnt know it would cost that much.. i dont think i can save up some money when i get my car.. :(
i just hope that mama will stop telling people that i dont give her money because i've been giving her money since the 1st month i get my pay.. and now plus all the house bills and groceries..

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-09-01T21:28:00.002+08:00

went home early today since i need to do my eyebrows...

did my eyebrows in bangsar then went buka puasa at Madam Kwan...

it is really paifull to do threading when your eyebrows are so bushy...

i will remind myself to do threading at least once a month... i can't bear the pain and redness... sigh~

i bought a new handphone!

a spare phone...

it is not really new handphone... i called it a new handphone since i just bought it today... lol!

it is a secondhand phone...

Motorola V3...

pink clour!

i always wanted a flip phone... and now, i have one! yey!!

i'll be using 2 numbers from now on..

you guys can still contact me using the old number...

the handphone is still in a good condition...

bought it for rm200... so cheap right...? with new casing somemore!

so happy!

2009-08-24T09:15:00.001+08:00

ramadhan day 2

went to midvalley..
had my hair done..
mama is happy because she gets to shop.. lol!

abducted by aliens..? no..?

kepala ku berasap! hahaha..

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-08-23T02:50:00.001+08:00

ramadhan day 1

it is my first time making spring rolls.. it turned out quite good..

ice milo fuze never tasted better! lol..

mama cooked ayam masak kari..

banana as desert..

and both of my cats had to be 'prisoned' while we were breaking fast or they will join us as well.. :p

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-08-20T10:57:00.005+08:00

Cyclone...

have you heard of this software...?

it is used in my company to register point clouds...

it is basically the site team's job but i have to help them with the registration thinggy as they need more source to get the thing going since there are alot of scans to be process...

while waiting for the scans to be uploaded in my computer (which takes ages!), i decided to blog since there are nothing much that i can do except waiting... lol!

below is the LV handbag that i purchased...

nice...?

no...?

i am not a big fan of LV's handbags.. but i guess one never hurts... :p

i am planning to buy one handbag from every single designer...

it would be like my own collection!

ok... i am excited!

i am a big spender... but who cares right...?

i want it, i buy it with my own money!

it would be a bonus if i get it for free of course... heehhehe...

currently i have :

1. Salvatore Ferragamo

2. Fendi

3. Louis Vuitton

and i am so gonna get one ridiculous over priced Versace handbag!

mind you Versace handbags are SUPER expensive!

but they are totally worth it!

aaaahhhhh~

pssst!

to whom that may corncern...

i dont mind getting one of these handbags as my birthday present...

its name is Neverfull GM...

the product code is N51106...

its name is Neverfull GM...

the product code is M93701...

its name is Alma MM Roses

the product code is M93686

and as a bonus, that generous someone could buy for me a matching wallet as well... the one that i am interested in is M91998... go check it out! i can't find a decent photo of it... of any other LV's wallet would do... as long as it is long...

;)

2009-08-16T23:37:00.001+08:00

burned..
i burned my finger..
it hurts so bad!
but it is getting better now after mama reiki it..

i made some curry puffs..
it tasted good..
but it looks horrible! lol!

someone told me to find the right partner in life, one should observe :
1. the way they treat u when you are happy
2. the way they treat u when you are sad
3. the way they treat u when you are angry
4. the way they treat u when you are sick
5. the way they treat u when you are in trouble

and the most important part would be,

6. the way they treat u when you are just being yourself!

it is important to know if that certain person can accept u for who u are and not for who they think u should be..

i don't know why i wrote that..
i am not happy!
i am not happy with u!
yes! u!
i know that i am not as sweet and loving and caring as they are..
and i know that i have a very bad temper that often make me say things that i should have not said.. but thats me!
i cannot help it..
i am just being me..
yes! the self absorb smug bitchy selfish lazy indenial tempremental girl!

when i asked, what are the things that makes them better then me..?
and u can simply answer it as easy as A B C..

but when i asked, what are the things that makes me better then them..?
u can't answer it!
u had to think!
u had to force urself to answer my question and it took like 15 mins before u answer it..
why..?

i feel..............
and u kept saying that i dont know how to appriciate..
i treated u like a 'kain buruk'...

well, it is true..
it is hard for people to see and realize their own
mistake..

may be it is just me....

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-08-12T20:48:00.001+08:00

i went out from home because i am so pissed off with mama!
she is so, shall i say obsessed and over protective over cupcake..
adik this..
adik that..
like wtf..??
what made me really mad tonight was because of her 'couldnt care-less' attitude towards baby..
she was spraying sheiltox in my room and when she finishes, she carried cupcake out of the room and shut my bedroom door closed..
and i was like, where is baby..???
and she said.. how should i know, everything also i need to know.. padahal she is the one who kept on shouting asking baby to get out of the room..
and when i opened the door, there is my little cat INSIDE my fucking room with the fucking door closed full with the fucking dangerous sheltox to inhale!
i am so mad!
so so mad!
why she have to push baby aside and give her full attention to cupcake..??
he is cat!
not a freaking doll!!

now i dont have to wonder why she has only one child!

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-08-10T15:14:00.004+08:00

i am having toothache!

it is REALLY painful!

i can't even sleep last night...

i cried...

it hurts so bad!

went to see the dentist and the dentist said my wisdom tooth need to be extracted since the lubang is very deep... but it cannot be removed today because my gum is swollen... so the dentist gave me antibiotic and painkiller... then i need to see the dentist again to remove my wisdom tooth once the antibiotic is finished...

i am so afraid of dentist! expecially thinking of the dentist removing my tooth!

GOD!

please help me go through this!

:((

enough of sad thoughts..

my mom bought me a vaio laptop!

weeee~

i am so happy with it eventho i am not very keen with the vista system...

complete with the pink wireless mouse as well...

so so happy!

2009-08-03T01:39:00.001+08:00

being with you makes me feel loved..
i can feel it but it is hard for me to show it..
i want to tell you but i just can't..
it is not because you are not good enough..
it is not because there is no love..
it is just because i don't want to hurt you more..

you and me..
i used to love you with all of my heart..
but i am not sure if i feel the same way now..
how am i suppost to tell you..?
i am so affraid to upset you..
i am so affraid to break your heart..
i am not strong enough..
i am not selfish enough to just think of myself..
this shows that i care for you..
it shows that there is still love..
can i ammend it..?
do i want to ammend it..?
is it worth it..?

all the experiences that i had gone through made me afraid to say those three words..
i want to feel the warmth of love again..
but i am too afraid..
i am too fragile..
i am too weak..
i had blocked my heart from letting it in again..

i am sorry..

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-07-23T16:51:00.000+08:00

i am having flu and cough!
hate it!
had been snorting and coughing nonstop!
sampai my officemates ask me to go home..
unfortunately it is hard to get mc.. sigh~

i found a website that sells branded goods at LOW price! seriously! original goods! well, at least that is what the owner of the website says.. lol!
anyways, i am purchasing a handbag from the website to make sure that the goods that they are selling is genuin and not fake! if i am not happy with the goods, i can just simply return the goods and they will give my money back! sounds great right..?
they have TONS of Christian Loboutin shoes! omg! i am so going crazy! hahaha.. if it is true that the goods that they are selling is original, i'll be buying a pair of shoes every month! :D

i am so in love with handbags and shoes!

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-07-19T19:39:00.002+08:00

empty..
that is most likely what i am feeling right now..
why..?
i have no idea..
i feel like i am wasting my youth by being so hooked up with my work everyday..
well.. there is nothing much that we can say about that because work is a must..
but being so 'drown' in work makes me fell suffocated..
no fun..
what u get from work is just;
stress
backache
sore eyes
headache
and the never ending piled up works to do..
i want something more..
something that i can come back to and actually be excited about..
hangging out with friends..?
eeerrmmm...
no!
night life!
yes!
hehehehe..
okey.. label me the night butterfly or whatever that u want..
it is the only thing that i am actually looking forward to every weekend..
it is like a detour..
spend some money..
yes..
but u'll have fun as well..
youth..
what do u get from it..?
maximum energy and enthuses!
makes u wanna do something exciting..
and the thing that makes me excited is unfortunately my night life..
it had been months..
more then 6 months..
i missed it!
i truely do..
its not that i am expecting to go to clubs every weekends..
no..
just once a month..
or may be twice if i am lucky..
lol!
but yeah..
i missed it a lot..
i used to dressed up in nice dresses..
wear all those make ups and shiny lipgloss..
wear my deadly gorgeous heels..
and meet up with some friends and have some good time!
but now..?
i don't even know where to dress up to..
sad..
i need a new bunch of friends..
that can spice up my life a bit..
i don't want my youth to be flush down the drain just by going to work every single day without having some fun and nothing to cherish in my old age besides my work!.
sigh..

i love to dance..

signed,
night butterfly

2009-07-16T21:39:00.003+08:00

it had been 3 days but my health is not showing any improvement..

1. fever
2. flu
3. slight couging
4. stomach pain
5. headache
6. puking

is it H1N1..?
hopefully no..
:(

2009-07-09T13:58:00.002+08:00

warning!

don't puke!

i had been using kinohimitsu for detoxing... the thing that you stick on your sole and it absorps toxin in your body...

and here are the reults...

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

disgusting...?? yeah! lol!

A toxin (Greek: τοξικόν, toxikon) is a poisonous substance produced by living cells or organisms.^[1]^[2](Although technically man is a living organism, man-made substances created by artificial processes usually aren't considered toxins by this definition.)

For a toxic substance not produced by living organisms, "toxicant" is the more appropriate term, and "toxics" is an acceptable plural.

Toxins can be small molecules, peptides, or proteins that are capable of causing disease on contact with or absorption by body tissues interacting with biological macromolecules such as enzymes or cellular receptors. Toxins vary greatly in their severity, ranging from usually minor and acute (as in a bee sting) to almost immediately deadly (as in botulinum toxin). By Wikipedia...

i have to keep using it for 2 weeks straight since this is the first time i am using it... i don't know if it really works... one thing for sure, it is expensive... -_-"

2009-07-08T20:45:00.001+08:00

paris's tribute to his dad made me cry..
it was a very touching moment..
btw, i like her hair!

2009-07-03T14:46:00.002+08:00

sorry for the hassle everybody...
i had to make my blog private since izam found my blog...
he read about all those ajoy and his mom posts and all my old posts about me going clubbing here and there... lol...
as usual, he was angry... but surprisingly he was quite 'cool' about it...
may be it is true that he has changed... not to be too temperamental anymore... that is a good thing right....?

anyways, i am in the office right now... doing nothing since i don't have my computer... danny (the it manager) took it because my computer is soooo fucked up and need to be repaired... hopefully i will get it back by monday because there are so much work to do... sigh~

had my salary...
and it is almost finish...
hahahahha...
had to pay my credit card and handphone bill and give some to my mom...
and i also put aside some of my salary to my other bank account as savings... had been saving since early this year... and i will not use it unless it is REALLY necessary... i need to discipline myself... like my mom said, we have to have savings because we don't know when we might need it... i will keep that in mind! :p

i logged in to my bank early this morning and found out that my credit card is ready!! weeee~ now i can buy that watch for mama's birthday... :D
the 2 credit cards that i am using right now is a supplementary from my mom's credit card... the one that i am talking about earlier is a new credit card of my own, using my own name.. i am so proud of myself! *winks*

need to bring my two cats to the vet tomorrow since they need to be vaccinated and deworm... and i really need to go and buy a big cage for the two of them since aunty cha is coming to KL... she is so irritating and she'll put my cats outside the house... sigh~

Happy Weekend Everybody!

xoxo

2009-07-01T16:16:00.002+08:00

I NEED MONEY!!!

arrggghhh!!!

it is already the 1st of July and i still havent receive my pay!!!

i am totally broke!

ok... thats a lie... i still have some cash in my savings account but i don't want to use it... and i desperately need my pay!

breath in....

breath out...

fuhhh~

my office pc is fucked up!

i have to keep on logging in and out from the server!

damn u stupid server!

can you please not make my life any harder...??

mama's birthday is coming up... 2 more weeks to be exact... planning to give a watch... but hurmmm...

2009-06-24T19:57:00.003+08:00

i have paid my booking fees...

all the paper works and loans are done and approved!

and now i am waiting for my new car to arrive... weee~

yes!

the new honda city!

blue colour... i think it looks best in blue...

i will be getting my car by end of july or august...

dear GOD,

i hope i will have enough money to pay for my car and all the bills when my mom retires... and hopefully i will have extra money for shopping and savings... amin...

2009-06-23T17:10:00.002+08:00

i am sooo soooo tired!

stiff neck...

migraine...

sore eyes...

just name it... sigh~

working is really tiring expecially if you have to go to work early in the morning and go home at night... may be mid-night... or may be the next day... i can't imagine how my mom manage it... now i understand how tired she is... lol!

anyways, my mom is retiring in august... and all the bills will be paid by me...

how i wish i could just stay at at home and enjoy life without having to go to work... -_-"

my mom has lotsa plans after retiring...

take care of achuk
holiday all around the world
study
open a mind & soul healing kinda shop

and lots more...

it is really nice thinking of retiring and spent all those money that you had worked for... i am sure it would be really worth it! haha...

baby is a bully!

he will lay on top of cupcake and bite her...

mind you he is big and cupcake is only 2 and 1/2 months old...

and he'll eat cupcake's food...

and when cupcake is playing with a toy, he'll just dashed at it and play with the toy...

it is kinda funny thinking of him being so jealous but i pity my little cupcake...

2009-06-20T10:32:00.001+08:00

presenting my new cat..
cupcake!!
its a persian cat..

just bought it yesterday..
it is 2 and 1/2 months old..
i had problem choosing which cat to buy.. because all of them are super cute and adorable!

bring her home and baby was super mad..
sigh~
he'll get used to it in a couple of days.. hopefully!

cupcake is super manja! she'll keep on meow-ing when she is left alone.. and she'll stop once she sees my face.. how cute is that..?

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-06-11T20:00:00.001+08:00

look at this marilyn monroe doll.. nice kan..?

ajoy's mother bought this doll for me..
so sweet..
i am in the office now and i am so sleepy!!!
huargh~

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-06-07T05:21:00.001+08:00

went out with a friend and we talked about marriage.. and he disagreed with the idea of staying in a house together with the mother-in-law..

he said that it is not convinient and it would be very problematic if a couple were to stay with their in laws..

1. they are suppost to manage their own family without any interruption from their in laws
2. uncomfortable
3. mother-in-law or father-in-law would interfear with their personal lives

i agree with some of the points but as the only child, i think i should take care of my mom.. i can't be living in a different house then her just because i am married.. if she can sacrifice and take care of me no matter what, why can't i do the same for her right..?

if i am not there for her.. then who would..? her brothers and sisters are so far away.. my cat? if anything happens to her and i am not there.. i would never forgive myself..

it is true that i can always visit her eventho i live in a different house but still.. i can't be going to her house every single day exspecially in my field of work.. i will be so tight up with my work and i would be back late and of course i want to go home straight away and have some rest..

people may not understand because they still have their dad and they have other siblings that are still staying with their parents..

i would rather not get married then living my mother alone.. i would choose my mother more then anything..

i only have her in my life besides my cat.. and i think i owe her for raising me from a little child till i grow up.. and i know it is very hard for her to provide everything for me as a single parent.. the least that i can do to repay her is by taking care of her..

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-06-04T23:45:00.001+08:00

ya allah..
walau sesiapa pun jodohku, akan ku terima seadanya..
sesungguhnye kau yang lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk ku..
amin..

i am so damn nervous!
i am having butterflies in my stomach just by hearing them planning their way to propose me..
i just hope i have the guts to face THE DAY when someone really come proposing!

i am so not ready!
this is all my mom's fault!
:(

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-06-03T21:48:00.002+08:00

what is the meaning of LOVE...?

LOVE is very abstract..

i don't even know how to describe the feeling...

but i know i had felt it...

what do you do when you fall in love..?

you will become so happy...

you'll feel like like nothing else matters.. it is just you and that person...

do want to marry that person to prove that you love her..?

or are you willing to let that person go to some other people arms if thats the thing that will make her happy...?

or do you think that she is better off with you..?

there are so many questions.. and i can't seem to get the answer...

but then i remembered a phrase..

" marry someone that you cannot live without and not someone that you can live with.."

its true right...?

what if i don't know who is that person...?

i don't know which guy is the right guy...?

would you marry someone but then you keep feeling the "feelings" that you had for that someone else...?

it is sad and pathetic.. i know that... and i do not intent to hurt anybody... i am just torn apart..

my mother wants me to get married...

but...

yes... i do want to get married..

i do want to feel the happinest that all married couple experience...

but there is something missing...

its my feelings...

i don't feel anything...?

why...?

may be because i just choose to not to have any feelings..

why..?

because i don't want to feel the pain..

what should i do..?

i don't know!

i had decided to just 'go with the flow'...

but what if the flow just stops and i have to make a decision..??

gosh!

ok... my point is, how would you know if that someone is the one..?

how would you know if that someone is the one that you are suppost to get married with...?

i just can't imagine myself leaving someone who had sacrificed so much for me...

i just can't!

i am just a normal human being who can't stand making the person whom i love broken hearted...

i just can't!

forgive me..

2009-06-01T23:26:00.001+08:00

shit!
i've written so long then someone called me and the next thing i know, everything is gone! grrr~

malas nak type lagi.. just look at these pictures and make your own conclusion aites..

- penang
- tiring
- good foods
- cheap foods
- by the sea

2009-05-27T22:05:00.002+08:00

omg! i am so overloaded with all the works that i have to do... i am handling 2 projects and now i have to prepare a proposal to be submitted tomorrow... sigh~ its already 10.15 pm and i am still at work... big pay check really comes with a big responsibility... there are so much work packs that i have to handle till my boss asked me if i need a new shelf to put all those work packs... unfortunately, i already have 1 tall shelf and 2 cabinets and 1 white board at my place... there is no room for any new shelf...

taking over workloads from someone who is not organised is really a pain in the ass... you have to check every single thing and organised it so that it would be easier for you and the rest of the team... no wonder i am the project coordinator... i am so well organised... lol!

anyways, my best friend came for an interview at PDE this morning and guess what..?? she got the job! yey!! but she will be under probation for 3 months... she will be starting next week... hopefully she can create a superb system so that we don't have to print lots of things and it will make my job so much easier... :p

2009-05-26T17:46:00.003+08:00

BESTIES!

they are my best friends since secondary school... there is 1 left... faty... she is still in curtin... she will be back next month! weee~

it is really hard for us to meet each other since i am busy working and they are busy studying... but hey, we are still best friends... love them lots! muahhx...

went out with my besties last sunday... we watched monsters vs aliens... we were the only adults in the cinema... lol... then we went for lunch at Chili's... we spent around 2 hours there... eat + chit chat... :p

after that we went shoe shopping... then we decided to have tea and cake at The Apartment and continue our chatting session...

can't wait for the next 'get together' session...

2009-05-24T21:59:00.002+08:00

OMG! seriously! everybody should watch these 2 movies! it is hilarious!

BOB up here was made without a brain... and he is like so 'kuku'... and he is so funny!!

bob : i bet he can't get over me

susan : well actually he cannot get over me!

bob : what...? he dated you too..?? what a 2 timing jerk!

padahal the guy that they are talking about was susan ex-bf... nothing to do with bob... sigh~ you should watch it! then you'll know what i mean..

Night at the museum 2 is the best!

general : when i yell 'ATTACK'... we will all attack...

red indian girl : but if we say that, wouldn't we will be alarming the enemy...?

then the general decided to yell 'WE ARE NOT GOING TO ATTACK!!' and they all attacked... lol!

2009-05-20T19:13:00.002+08:00

i hate you!

huarghhh!!

you are super annoying!

you are so demanding!

you act good!

you should be greatful you get a job here in malaysia!

i hope you'll fall hard!

super hard that you will be ashame to show your face in malaysia ever again!

ok... i feel great... hahahhaha...

sometimes you just have to write down all those words just to feel better... =)

i won't bother explaining why i am so mad and at who... it is just a waste of time and he is so not worth it...

anyways, how is my new layout...? it is nice... but it is kinda boring... i should think of something to spice it up a little bit...

i think i wanna join red crost... or may be wwf... i like to help people... and i am so in love with animals... you'll get all the satisfaction in the world by helping others... but i sure need a lot of money for it.. sigh~

someday...

2009-05-19T14:05:00.002+08:00

the little imperfection that makes them perfect for u...

sigh~ so touching...

PMS!

yikes! its kinda overdue but it is better late for few weeks rather then few months right..?

-_-

let me list out the things that i need to pay next month :

car insurance : rm500+
car road tax : rm20
driving licence : rm90
my mastercard : ?
my diner's card : rm850
my maxis bill : ?
mak ijah : sg200
my mom : rm300
savings : ?

like alot la kan!!

i got to stop shopping!

fuhhh~ fuhhh~

list of the things that i desperately wanna buy :

new laptop
honda city *smiles*
new ferragamo handbag
ferragamo shoes
new watch (i am so in love with that particular aigner + ferragamo watch!)

i better stop here... coz the list will keep on going... lol! but yeah... the first 2 things are my top priority...

2009-05-18T18:24:00.002+08:00

my dream...

when i was a little girl, i wish i would grow up and be a very successful corporate lady... intelligent, stylish, beautiful and be on top of the world...

when i was in school, i wanted to be a scientist... more of an astronout...

but then my mom enrolled me for chemical engineering course since she thinks that it would be the best choice since i am good in science and it is easier to get a job in this industry...

and now, here i am... working in an as-builting company... designing platforms and pipe lines for oil and gas industry... i could say that i am doing well considering that i had only worked for 1 year and 1 month and i am already part of the 'top list' employee... lol!

work is so stressful! you have to compete with other workers from different country and different backgrounds... expecially when you are a girl... you have to strive for the things that you want...

i am enrolling myself for degree in mechanical engineering next year... part time studies... it is better that way... you get to gain knowledge and experience at the same time... interesting aint it...? but sure is difficult... like they say, if you want it, you have to work for it, right...?

now i know how it has been for a single mother like my mom working and studying at the same time plus having to support her daughter... it is exhausting and inspirational... i am so proud of my mom!

2009-05-11T21:14:00.003+08:00

i wanna SCREAM!!!

it is REALLY hard to satisfy everybody! expecially my mom!

i thought moher's day is on the 13th of may... i didnt know that the date changes every year... and so i continued with my weekends routine which is hangging out at my friends house and slept there because i wanted to watch all the gossip girls series that she downloaded... and i went to midvalley the next day (on mother's day)... i received a text msg from my mom asking if i am having dinner with ajoy's parents for mother's day... and i replied no since i've planned to have dinner with her for mother's day (still don't have any clue that particular sunday is mother's day)... and i continued with my window shopping until...

ajoy : today is mother's day la...

alya : no... its on the 13th...

ajoy : then why is everybody holding flowers...?

alya : they are calebrating in advance...

then my phone rings... my mom called and she was emo-ing.. marah tak tentu pasal... and so i googled mother's day date for 2009 and to my surprise, mother's day is on the 10th... sigh~

mama said that it shows how much i don't care that is why i don't bother to check when is mother's day... -_-" if i don't care, i won't ask you to choose any treatment at a spa for mothers day (1 week before mother's day)... and i definately won't put any reminder on my hp for mother's day...

i bought her a Braun Buffel handbag eventho it is expensive and my master card had reached its limit and i had to use my diner's card (sacrificing my next month salary to pay the FULL price for the handbag since i used my diner's card)... i felt like crying when i swipe my card... but yeah... i sacrificed... why...? becaus it is for my beloved mother.. and what did i get when i gave the handbag to her...?

alya : happy mother's day..

mama : tak payah! i don't want it!

alya : tak nak gi jual balik... dapat duit.. (went straight to my room..)

i even wrote her a card!

what happens to the bag and card..?

it is still in the living room... untouched!

you don't even want to have a look at the present that i bought for you...?

enough said...

2009-05-08T00:05:00.000+08:00

mood swings! i dont know why i can't control my anger.. i get angry and irritated so easily.. even small things pisses me off.. arrgghh!!

i am irritated with my mom! you know she'll get 'SUPER EXCITED' when she knows that our family is coming.. and she wants to make sure everything is perfect.. for example, kakak zila is coming next month.. so mama ask me to find a service apartment for them because she is coming with her husband, her 2 kids, her mother in law and her brother in law.. and so i found a service apartment that gives them good deal.. a 3 days and 2 nights package.. they'll get $200 discount if they are a J card member.. i am a J card member.. and so mama asked me to book the apartment for them.. i am pissed off because mama kept asking me to book for them while i am super busy! i go to work in the morning and i'll reach home around 11 pm feeling exhausted and stressed out! and yet she kept mumbling saying that i am action and what so ever.. in the 1st place, anybody can make the booking.. they just have to know my card number.. kakak zila herself can make the booking since she is the one that is going to stay there.. what is the fucking problem..??? nak aku jugak yang buat semua! i dont mind helping if i dont have anything to do.. aarrrgghh!! and now she ask me to quit my job coz she said i cannot cope with work pressure..

what i want to do is go to work.. do all my best.. hope for the best.. learn more.. come home and sleep.. and play with my handsome baby cat.. is that so much to ask..?? its not like i ask her for money! the last time i asked her for money is when i started working.. only for the first month! and i never borrowed her money since then..

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-05-04T02:59:00.000+08:00

Bali..

shopping : okey
enviroment : sucks
hard rock hotel : THE BEST!
ocean : super nice + big waves
food : okey but dont eat at McD.. nanti kentut bau bangkai! hahaha..

i am exhausted.. need to get my beauty sleep.. will upload all the pics on facebook asap.. ;)

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-04-30T10:11:00.002+08:00

Bali!!

vacation date : 1st may 2009

its tomorrow!! weee~

i am so excited! i don't know why... may be its the thought of going for a vacation without parents... hahahhaha... that means you can wear whatever you want and you can do whatever you please... i am so happy! thanks to YOU of course for making it possible... =)

vacation list

~~pario~~
~~dresses~~
~~camera~~
~~make up~~
~~toiletries~~
money
credit card
~~slippers~~
~~cute sandals~~
~~heels~~
~~undergarments~~
~~passport~~
~~sunglasses~~
~~cute hat~~
swimming suits / bikini
~~shorts~~
~~shirts~~
~~jeans~~
sun block

whatelse...? i think that would be all... hummpphh...

i can't wait for tommorrow!! bila nak balik kerja ni..???

and another thing, when is my salary coming in...?? i need to clear up my credit card!

2009-04-29T17:30:00.000+08:00

he is just not that into you!
every girl should watch this movie!
seriously!
=)

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-04-29T17:29:00.000+08:00

being in the office..
it is super boring since there are not much work to do.. there are alot of works actually but i am already in my holiday mood.. thinking what its like to be in bali.. sigh~ time is ticking so slow..

this is my tea time menu..
it is so delicious when it is the only food that you can find when you are starving at 5 pm..

rainbow!
is it true there are trassures at the end of a rainbow..?
stupid question! hahahha..

went home.. mama cooked fried spaghetti.. and she made some salads..

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-04-28T00:33:00.000+08:00

nyum nyum nyum
i love sakae sushi!!!

and i love the apartment at klcc.. that is where you can get the best strawberry chesse cake! in this case,it would be the best blueberry chesse cake! yummy!!!

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-04-28T00:21:00.000+08:00

look at my finger.. it hurts!! and this is how it looks like when i open the bandage.. :(

was really pissed off with someone this morning.. damn u old man! you think u have more experience then me makes u better..? you may have more experience then me.. your pay may be higher then mine.. but i am obviously more professional then you are and i out ranked you.. wether you like it or not,everything goes through me! if i say no, that means no!

just kill me already for cannot controlling my shopping habits.. i just received my credit card bill and the total is $4000!!! -_-" i don't remember spending that much this month..

help me!!!

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-04-17T17:46:00.000+08:00

roti ini sangat sedap!
hahahaha..
but seriously! it is the best bread that i had ever had.. everyone should try it!

gardenia..
enak di makan begitu saja..
oooooo.... gardenia....
enak di makan begitu saja..

gardenia butter scotch.. if i were to eat it everyday, sure gemok!

anyways i am trying this new blogger software from my phone.. it is really easy to update posts and upload pics.. i am happy with it.. :)

k.. need to get back to work.. toodlesss~

- Post From My iPhone

2009-04-12T21:44:00.002+08:00

confession of a shopoholic...

i love to shop!

the world is cruel...

and i am sad...

shopping is the remedy...

when i shop, the world gets better...

then after a few days, it gets worst...

then i need to shop again...

i want a new ferragamo hangbag!!

i already have one... and i think i need another one... or may be a few more... hehehheh... and hopefully i could afford to buy a matching pair of shoes for those bags...

and i LOVE to have that chanel handbag and that red dior handbag!!! huargghhh~ and of course not forgetting that YSL handbag.. sigh~

enough of my shopping list...

tomorrow is monday; that means i need to go to work! i need to find a multibillionaire husband so that i dont have to go to work anymore... stay at home... go shopping... travel here and there... wahhh~ life would be heavenly! lol...

i am going to bali next month! on the 1st to be exact... weee~ need to clear my credit card so that i can shop, shop and shop...

2009-04-10T03:12:00.002+08:00

in pain...

its 3.39 am and i still can't get myself to sleep...

i hate period! expecially the pain that u have to endure... fuck! it hurts so much! it started a week before it comes then another week when it is there with you.. sticky... uncomfortable... mood swings.. aarrrggghhh!!!

but still, i am really greatfull that it came right on schedule... i had been having irregular period since the first time i had my menses... which is when i was 14... so its a huge relief when it is on time expecially after i had to see a DR last month and ask them for hormonal pills since i havent been having my menses for 3 whole months! all the DRs said its normal to have irregular period... but i dont think having your menses every 2 - 3 months is normal... does it sounds normal to you..? hummphhh~

things that my boyfriend should know:

i will keep complaining about my stomach ache whenever my menses is coming
and i will double maybe triple complain to you about my stomach ache when i am having my menses
i will have mood swings when my menses is coming
my mood swings will get worst when i am having my menses
even stupid jokes will make me angry
i will be like a little cat asking for attention

things that you should do:

dont mess with me!
dont make me angry by annoying me!
if i ask you to do something, just do it!
nothing is more important then me whenever i am in pain!
if i am angry at you, let me cool down... make me a drink or even asking me if i am ok would make me smile again...
never ever act like u didnt do anything wrong (even it is not totally your fault)

OMG!!! WHY DOES MENSES HAVE TO BE SOOOO FUCKING PAINFUL...?? i feel like crying~

2009-03-30T11:59:00.002+08:00

Velosi Annual Dinner 2009

last friday was velosi's annual dinner... in case you are wondering, velosi is the company that bought part of PDE's share... the theme was 70s... Dinner and Dance... it started at 7.00pm but most of us arrived around 8.30pm due to the traffic jemmed... we are from KL and you can only imagine how hactic is the traffic on friday... we stucked in KL for 2 and 1/2 hours!! and the dinner was held in subang...

the dinner was fun! fun! fun! lots of games and prizes... i won a fan for the lucky draw... and i won a Chorus Hotel voucher for 1 of the game... and i received a multiple usb connector... i was nominated for best dress but unfortunately i got 2nd prize because they say most of the staff from other company 'boikot' me for winning lots of prizes... sigh~

2009-03-23T10:00:00.002+08:00

excited mode!!

and so i have bought a white 3G Iphone... weeee~ and i sold my xperia to my mom for $2240 ONLY; which is the iphone price... and mama wanted to pay $2000 only!! like wtf...?! i bought that xperia phone for $3300 okey!!! consider urself lucky for getting it for just $2240... sigh~ that is the problem when u sell it to your mom... -_-"

i am busy updating my itunes and checking for 'free' software for my new phone because i cannot be using any 3rd party software as it will affect my warranty incase if there is any problem with my phone in the future...

adios!

2009-03-20T15:21:00.002+08:00

exam mode!

ahahhahaha...

i organized draft exam today for PDE office team since the boss wants them to be tested today because they had been trained for the past 2 weeks... 9.00am to 6.00pm... 1 piping draft...

those who qualified will get increment and will get to participate in any PDMS work in the future... for those who failed will not receive any increment and they will still be doing their old boring PlantLinx job...

i didn't teach them all the necessary steps since julian wants to see their initiative...but i did thought some of them some extra things since they had been staying late at the office just to train them self...

went to Loreal's warehouse sale just now... spend $220... everything is super cheap! for example... 1 box of mask would cost me around $60+ in guardian or watsons but they sell 3 boxes for $80!! how cheap is that...??

wanted to buy shampoo but its sold out because the sale started yesterday but unfortunately i couldn't go yesterday since i had to stay late and finish my job... sigh~

here are the things that i bought :

nail polish (2)
hair dye (2)
cleanser (4)
face mask (3)
toner (1)
compact powder (3)
loose powder (3)

I LOVE TO SHOP!!

2009-03-19T17:35:00.002+08:00

i am constantly searching for something... something that is uncertain... why...?? why can't i just be happy with whatever that i have..?? that is in front of me...?? well... i guess its just human nature... to explore and to look for something new... willing to get hurt for something that we hope is the thing that we had been searching for...

i always believe there is a reason for every single thing that had happened in my life and every single person that is in or was in my life.. if only i knew all the reasons... sigh~

people that would remain in my life forever are my family... cousins...

people that would hopefully be in my life forever are my friends... good friends...

people that make me happy but unfortunately i dont know for how long would they be there are all the people who promised me love... trust...

bye!

2009-03-16T10:02:00.002+08:00

have u ever feel bored of your life...??

tired...??

i think i had enough of all these stupid boyfriends drama...

sick of it!

i wanna get my ass away from all of this...

but i can't do that...

why...??

because its part of my life...

sad~

sometimes i wish i could turn back time and undo everything that will effect my future life... the bad ones i mean... but on second thought, i will never undo all the things that i did... because it was fun... it is something that i should cherish... being young... doing all those crazy things... sigh~

but seriously!

i dont want anymore BF's problems!

please!!!!

i just wanna enjoy my life...

do everything that i wanna do...

have fun while i am still young...

but the other part of me is aching for a normal perfect life...

one future dependable husband...

girlfriends that would always be there...

planning for my marriage...

going shopping and having a good laugh with my mom...

surrounded by my loves one 24-7...

something like in the movies...

fairytales~

oh my...

what shall i do....??

2009-03-03T14:10:00.002+08:00

i am looking for the hitz.fm fugitive!! he / she can be anywhere in malaysia... and i can only get the clues for hitz website, hp, the sun newspaper and when the dj calls him... sigh~

i went to KLCC's park with my friend this morning because the clue was 'whale', 'bridge', 'bistro' and 'mosque'... and the bounty was rm5500... why i think he was in the park?

because there is a whale sculpture in the park
and the bridge is basically facing the whale
it is quite near to KLCC mosque
and there are alot of bistros in klcc

the sad thing is, i was wrong... he was in bangsar baru... -_-"

i have to cancel my trip to bali because the trip is in May and i have to save up to pay for my car insurance and road tax... huargh~ nevermind... bali would still be there... hahhaahha...

2009-02-21T17:39:00.002+08:00

i am back in KL!!

had a one week holiday and it was suppeerr tiring!! went to batam last sunday and flew to cambodia the next day... i went to cambodia with mama, mak ijah and aunty cha... and that would be the last time i would go on a holiday with aunty cha because she is so so so irritating!! serik aku!! she kept mumbling on how much i owe her... the airport tax.. the perfume... and some other money that she paid for me... like wtf la kan...??!! even 8SGD pun nak berkira... grrrr~ whatever it is, i dont owe her anything anymore and i am so lucky that mama paid for my trip and not her... if not, i would not know how to face her... a word of advice to all of my cousins, never go on a holiday with her expecially if she is the one that is paying for you!! trust me!! -_-"

anyways, this is one of the many many photos that i took... this picture was taken in front of angkor wat; believe to be one of the seven wonders of the world...

if people ask me to go to cambodia again, i would say... "no thanks!"... hahhaahha... its a nice place but it is full with temples and nothing else... if you wanna learn about their culture, history and tell people that you had been to angkor wat, then its ok to go there once.. not a shopping paradise... and the stuffs there are superrr expensive because they use USD for every transaction! surprisingly very EXPENSIVE! for example, the ticket for the museum is 15USD per person!

i dont like our tour guide sebab dia over!

k bye!

2009-02-10T17:56:00.003+08:00

this baby is jimmil haikal.. and he is 6 days old.. these pics are taken when he was 4 days old.. i baby sit him for 2 days and 2 nights because the parents left him with bunch of teenagers.. how cruel is that..? wondering why they did that..? well, here is the story..

the mother is a student.. college student.. i knew the mother from a friend because she is my friend's housemate.. everyone in the house didnt know that she was pregnant until the day they brought home the baby.. and obviously they are not married yet.. and so they have a problem on how to tell the baby's granny about it.. the granny asked the mother to come home since she had been avoiding her for the past 9 months or so.. so the idiot parents decided to go back to the mother's hometown together..without the baby.. because they didnt want to tell the grandparents about the baby's existance..

i went to their house and disovered about the poor little baby and i decided to take are of him since they didnt know what to do when the baby cries.. and they are afraid to carry the baby beause he is so fragile.. to be honest,this is the first time i took care of a new born baby and i dont know anything about caring for a new baby.. but i did great.. it was so heart breaking to think of the poor baby's future since the parents dont know what to do with him and the father said that he'll throw him or kill him or do any nasty stuffs to him if the mother tell the granny about this poor little baby.. he is sick! sick bastard! and the mother is an idiot mother for leaving the baby behind and still wondering wether to tell her parents or not.. the baby is ur damn son! grow up! u might be afraid.. so is the kid.. being left behind without thr parents love.. u might as well had an abortion if u knoww that u are goin to be a bad mother! moron!

the reason i am so mad is that, she promised that she'll be back on sunday night but she didnt and she had been at her house for 4 freaking days and she still havent have the guts to tell her mother.. if u dont want to tell your mother,just freaking get back here and take care of ur baby! whatelese an u do..? stay as long as u wish in kelantan and pretend that nothing happened..? just give him away then.. it is better to give him to someone who is willing to take care of him rather thn leaving him with some college kids right..?

it is hard to take care of new born baby.. the sleepless nights.. feeding every 2 hours.. but its worth it because i truely care..

2009-01-18T21:54:00.004+08:00

at last i have the time to update my blog... been really busy with work since the project's due date is coming up... everything is normal between me and mama... hopefully it will last forever... and i really mean it because i am so annoyed receiving text messages from dear aunties regarding how i am such a bad daughter and how bad i have been treating my mom and what i should do to change... i know they are conrcern about my mom's heart condition; but still, they cannot just attack me with all those words without knowing what exactly is happening in my life.. a beloved aunt of mine said that i am a bohsia because i drink everyweek... like wtf...?! does she really know what is the definition of a 'bohsia'...?? -_- and so i replied by saying i am tired of defending and explaining myself... and i hope she will stop saying and assuming things that she doesnt really know... and i was reffering to my social life... i cant remember the last time i went to club and i dont drink everyweek... fullstop!

i want to share this with my readers... beautifully written by ali...

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we LoVe, we fail to recognize & appreciate the people who LoVe us.

We miss out on so many beautiful things & simply because we allow ourselves to been slaved by our own selfish concerns.
Go for the man of deeds & not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you LoVe but the man who LoVes you more.

The best LoVers are those who are capable of LoVing from a distance, far enough to allow the other person to grow, but never too far to feel the
LoVe deep within your being.

To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop LoVing, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back.
Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, & anger that keep in your heart.
Do not let the bitterness rare away your strength & weaken your faith & never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let you grow with wisdom in bearing it.

You may found peace in just LoVing someone from a distance not expecting anything in return.
But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow.
We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace & happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice & beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person.
This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives & eventually consumes our thoughts & actions

The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship.
We start our desperate attempt to get noticed & be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded & we end up being sorry for ourselves.
You don't have to forget someone you LoVe.
What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.

Believe me; you would be better off giving that dedication & LoVe to someone more deserving.
Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible & let your mind speak for itself.
Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.
Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow:

If you lose LoVe that doesn't mean that you failed in LoVe.
Cry, if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt & the bitterness that the past has left with you.
Let go of yesterday & LoVe will find its way back to you & when it does, pray that it may be the LoVe that will stay & last a lifetime.

You do not LoVe a Woman because she is Beautiful...
She is Beautiful because you LoVe her...

went out with izam and her baby sis today... we had a great time and some of my fats were burn... lol... thanks to na... btw, thats what we call her baby sis... 'na'... she refuses to hold my hand in the mall and so i bought her a sponge bob pillow, 2 shirts and 2 pants... and she loves it... how did i know...?? simple! she started holding my hands... running here and there and then runs towards me, hug me and kissed me... she is so adorable... and she calls sponge bob - bobo... lol...

2009-01-13T21:40:00.002+08:00

i am stress out!!

why...??

because mimi is getting engaged..

WHY...??

because we are in the same age and he is getting engaged soon whilst i still dont know who is mr right... how pathetic is that...?? and mama is talking about double wedding... like wtf..?! i dont think i am ready for all of that... am i afraid of commitment...?? no.. i dont think so.. but may be... no... the answer is no because my only problem is finding the right guy for me... gosh!! i really feel old!! thanks mimi!! -_-"

i had always plan to work and keep as much money as i can.. buy properties... get my degree.. then only i will get married... because getting married before everything is ready is not a good idea to me because couples tend to quarrelled over money and i dont want that to happen... i am a paranoid... dont blame me... blame my surroundings... sigh~

i still dont know what i want... mimi told me that we will know what we want when we get it... hummpphh... i hope i wont be too old when i know it.. lol... and some people said that i have to change my attitude.. but whats the point of changing for something else... is it worth it..?? it really depends... okeyy... i dont know wth i am mumbling...

the bottom line is, i feel like i have to find someone to be my life partner... mr right!! yes!! i dont want any guy... i want that someone who can make me feel complete.. aaahhh... that would be a really great feeling.. :") i hope i will find that someone soon... it is one of my new year resolution... nyahahah...

work had been tiring... i need to have some fun but unfortunately i dont think i can do that because i received a text msg from mak ani this morning regarding my mom.. she forwarded my mom's msg to her.. mama told her that her heart condition is not good... it makes her hard too sleep... and she thinks that i am killing her slowly...

i am a terrible daughter...

what can i do...?

change...?

i think so... i hope i can do it... but... it will be really hard...

btw, if you are thinking what did i do, its because i slept at my friends house for 2 days... yes... just because of that..

its been months since the last time i went clubbing...

i miss those good old times...

2008-12-31T11:50:00.002+08:00

i am in singapore everybody!!

Happy New Year!!
may 2009 usher love, prosperity and happiness....

my wish list for 2009...

- earn more money
- new salary (double my current salary plzzz)
- new car
- more love for my mom and kitty cat
- find true love... HAHAHAHAHAAH....
- do my degree
- muet
- shopping spree
- a new and better alya
- more smiles

:D

2008 had been a great year indeed... i get my first job... my first salary... bought a handbag for my mom... new friends... great birthday presents... and also bad memories which will remain forever... i am thankful to GOD for all his kindness towards me and my family...

2008-12-25T22:34:00.002+08:00

life had been really hactic!! the workloads are crazy!! i went home at 2.30 am yesterday... luckily today is a public holiday... i hope its worth it... anyways, its not that i am working for free right...?? lol... and that is one of the reason why it took me days or even a week to update my blog... i just dont have the time to blog and when i reach home, the one thing that i wanna do; is sleep!! i seriously need to pay my overdue credit card bills... a freaking rm3800... yeah... that much... -_- and i need to pay my phone bill which is rm600... god! i hate working life... i have to pay for everything... and i have to give money to my mom... its like a tradition right...?? hurmm... but i didnt gv her money last month because i spend all my money to buy my super canggih hp... nyahhaha...

i received an email that gave a really big impact on me... i want to share it with my readers because i love you guys and girls... :)

You thought the dog is imitating the man.....

Entertaining the college kids...right?

Now have a close look at it....

Despite being an animal he gets respect...

He gets a pat on his shoulder...

He gets warm welcome everywhere..

He is STANDING ALONE

The doors are open for only those who believe in themselves and Will Power which can make an animal walk on TWO LEGS...!!

i nearly cried after reading this email... it changed my perspective of life... when i become a successful person and people ask me who is my inspiration; i'll tell them this dog is my inspiration... seriously!! i would never say "i cannot do this or that" ever again in my life!!

2008-12-16T22:30:00.003+08:00

its been awhile since the last time i updated my blog... thanks to busy schedule and the fucked up internet connection!!
and so here are the highlights from my 'exciting' life... lol...

after so long, we actually get the time to go shopping together (my mom and i)
mama bought me undergarments and 2 pairs of marks & spencer boots
my baby boo has flees!! yucks!!
brought him to the vet
shampooed him
need to bring him to see the vet again this week
had a fight with mama because mama thinks i love baby more then her... sigh~
discovered that i can put signature at the end of my test messages... my hp is cool... enough said...
a model is interested in me... like yeah right! whatever~

him : really like u . i know i hardly know you but i wanna know you n i got no way other than fbook or yahoo
elle : uh
elle : okeeeyyyy
elle : but i need to know why do u like me?
him: i like ur evrythg ur talkinn sense
him: ur nature
him: more over u r beautiful n cute
him: m really in luv
elle: uhhh
elle: hehehhe
elle: thats so nice of u to say that
him: but u r
him: i met wid so many gals but i neva felt need of gal

huhu... sweet or what..? but too bad i don't go for sweet talkers... and fyi, his english is abit strange because he is from india... but he lives in london and now he is studying in malaysia... he is doing part time modelling and he just can't stop bothering me... -_-"

am addicted to gossip girl!! xoxo... lol... nat is soooo cute!!
bestie is back!! cant wait to hang out!!
can't wait for my birthday!!

2008-12-07T23:14:00.005+08:00

happy eid everybody!!

okey... where shall i start..?? hurmm...
had a fight with izam last night as i told him i am going clubbing with my friends... he threw his blackberry and it shattered apart... and he is blaming me for it... i just don't know what to say...

and so i went out with my friends as it is one of my friends birthday... went to oblique club... and its a gay club!! no kidding!! its my fault... they wanted to go to modesto but i refused as there are no crowd there... how fun can it be when u are the only one that is dancing on the dance floor...?? no fun right...?? i didn't know that oblique is a gay club... neither do my friends... lol... but we had a great night there... the music was good... the waiters are damn friendly and the best part is, there were alot of hunks there!! like really!! handsome!! macho!! and i don't know where to start if i wanna describe their body... like ahhhhhhh~ i just can't take my eyes of the gays on the dance floor as they were dancing without their shirt on... how hot is that...?? lol...unfortunately they are gays... sigh~ and the funny part was, some of the gays entered the ladies room instead of the gents as they think they are 'ladies'... -_-" it can really confuse you if there is no sign stating its a ladies room... i don't understand why they choose to be gay when they are so hot looking that i am very certain it is superr impossible for the pure ladies to say no to them... this is wrong... so so wrong!! what is happening to this world...?!

anyways, went to watch twilight today... it is a so so romantic story... someone please find me a vampire boyfriend please... there is an animal attraction... okey, i cant remember the lyrics.. lol... went home after movie and i received $100 from my stepdad for hari raya... weeee~ macam tahu je i tengah damn broke kan... ngeh~ ;p

new dress for me... weee~ it looks so african-nish kan...?? hahahhaha...
can't wait for my birthday!!

2008-12-05T13:43:00.000+08:00

how *#+!*0 can someone be..???

2008-12-02T20:59:00.003+08:00

things are cool between me and mama.. i bought her a GUY LAROCHE handbag on sunday and she started talking to me on monday.. she text me asking if i wanna join her for dinner.. and we even chit chat about work and stuffzz... ha... what a relieve... but yeah.. it cost me abundle to pujuk her... haiizzzz...

me:nah.. for you..
me:sory... (then i kissed her)
mama:took the paper bag and put it on the floor..
me:tengok la.. it cost me like half of my salary..
mama:open the paper bag
me: ishk.. i took the handbag out and showed to her..
mama:hmm.. you did something bad and now u wanna bribe me..
me:where got.. i iklas ah buy for you the gandbag..
mama:i saw your pics in facebook lagi nk tipu..
mama:tuhan je la tahu ikhlas ke tak..
me: -_-"

i think this week is my lucky week.. i star talking to mama and i bought myself a new phone as a birthday gift for myself.. i bought sony ericsson xperia.. aka sony x1!! cash.. rm3100.. and now i am broke.. i just dont know how to manage my money.. lol.. and and i am blogging by using my x1!! weeee~ i am so very happy.. i totally deserve a new handphone after all those hard work.. =)

2008-11-28T21:17:00.003+08:00

i hate you!!
damn fucking fagot!!
i feel like killing someone right now!!
someone showed mama all my facebook pictures...
yeah... all that fucked up pictures of me!!
thank you sooo much!!!
i'll fucking scream at you when i know who is that bastard!!
damn you!!
how could you show my mom such pictures...??!!
if you have a daughter, i hope your daughter would be worst then me and you will fucking see all the fucking things that she is doing right with your own eyes!! babi!!
how babi can someone be...??!!
how unthoughtful and bitchy can someone be...??!!
and what the hell is that bastard's point of showing all those pictures to my mom...?!
idiot!!
bodoh!!
babi!!
fat ass!!

i've apologized to mama and there was no responds from her... i know she is mad at me... but... god!! i am such a loser and i am not trying to improve myself... why...?! idk!! just shot me!! i am so fade up and stressed out!! mama is mad at me like all the time... and i am stressed out at work... and that is why i am always out... i just wanna have fun and get all those stressfull things out of my mind... even if its just for one night...

2008-11-26T10:06:00.002+08:00

"Just because you want something to be true doesn't mean that it is -- you cannot let your emotions convince your mind of things that aren't real! Take a detached perspective on things, right now. Be brutally honest with yourself about what is going on. What's your role in the day's dramas? When you see things clearly, you have the upper hand. Let other people kid themselves about the reality of the situation while you rise to a leadership role by knowing what the real deal is"

that's from my horoscope thinggy... sometimes all this readings just happen to be true... but yeah i know as muslims i am not suppose to believe in all this stupid readings... but what about the 'thing' that we call sheikh... or mak atok... or whatever that they appear to be... what about all this things...?? are they real...?? do they really take care of us...?? do they really know what is happening in our lives...?? nah... i don't think so... but of course it would be really cool if its true... overall, all the things that they say are not true... and yes... some of it are true... i am confused~

i spoke to julian regarding my increment... and he said that he wants to see my performance in a couple more projects... just to make sure that i really 'deserves' the increment... and for now, he will just give me incentive as a reward... hahahhaha... and so i will be receiving $500 for my hard work in completing BP's drafting project... its better than nothing... but i seriously need my increment ASAP!! omg!! i am soooo gready!! i just can't help it... =)

i'm in the office... at ajoy's place since he gets internet access... its 10.33 am and i am freaking hungry!! there is no job to do... julian asked ajoy to teach me how to do review... but the server is 'out'... we need the server to do the review i think~ hahahahh... whatever it is, i am still not talking to my mom... god knows why... because i myself don't know why... its really depressing!!

2008-11-23T22:26:00.003+08:00

zomg!!
FREEDOM ELITE IS THE BEST EVENT EVER!!!
free flow all night long... and i am talking about vodka... pukul 11++ dah flat... lol... the event started at 8.30pm... and i can't even remember what happened... -_-"
they have games... flying fox... and of course good DJs... ;)
check out the tattoos... weee~

things are not good between me and mama...
reason...?? because she kept throwing away all the hot pants that i bought... like wtf right...?! it cost me like rm90 for each... i told her that i am going out and she replied... u don't have to tell me wherever u wanna go... even if u are dead or alive... sigh~ i just don't know what else to say...
anyways, i totally enjoyed my weekend... it was a blast!! thanks to all my friends for taking care of me... love u guys!!

2008-11-18T23:06:00.002+08:00

interesting! 4 little details men notice about women...

Hands

I study a girl's hands pretty intensely. Beautiful hands can portray daintiness and strength at the same time. I notice manicures, and complexion. I imagine what it's like to hold them. I'm not much of a hand holder, but pretty hands will turn me into a hand holder. I even watch how a girl grips things. There are definitely different objects and shapes that look amazing in a girl's hands, such as a wine glass. A wine glass has delicate curves that play off a woman's hands. When I notice fingers that are appealing tome, I imagine how those fingertips would feel.

Hair

I've mentioned hair before, so I wouldn't say it's a "little thing". But hair can do simple actions that can evoke powerful emotions. One day I ran into my friend on the way to work-the friend that wore high heels to the soccer game. One thing's for sure: this girl really knows how to take care of and do her hair. We were just talking and walking when a gust of wind blew right down the street and ran through her hair. The indescribable motion that took place in her hair was beautiful. I even noticed that a random guy we passed turned his head and looked. I didn't realize until the day was over, but seeing that gust of wind go through my friend's hair put me in a good mood the rest of the day. So, while hair is a big deal, little random moments can create big, great things.

Attitude Towards Others

When I go out to dinner with a girl, I keep a close eye on how she treats a waiter or hostess. Does she say "thanks," and generally act polite and respectful? Sometimes I feel as if I'm overly cordial to people: I wish them a nice day and always make sure to say "thanks." But, what makes a woman has to do with more than just how she treats me. A person with a beautiful personality treats everyone nicely and respectfully. It's fun to be out with a girl and watch her make people smile from afar. It makes me feel proud and lucky that I'm with her. It's already an amazing thing when I meet a girl that can brighten my days. But if this girl brightens everyone's days, then I'm even luckier.

What Does She Notice?

It's fun meeting different people because they always bring a new perspective. When I break down music I love for people, they ask how I even care about every last little sound and note that I analyze and point out to them. What little things does a woman notice or point out? If we go to a Broadway show, for example,does she notice something in the background set? Does she notice the couple in front of us that are very much in love? Does she notice that the usher hates us because we are whispering and showed up just as the lights were going down? Sure, we share big thoughts and ideas with one another, but sometimes you can learn a lot about a person just by the details they notice in life and moments. It is a fun adventure going out with someone who can laugh at and notice little things, and who always brings new insights to different situations.

Once I realized that I was noticing little things, I came to the conclusion that little simple moments are just part of overall beauty. Beauty can be defined in a collection of moments, or memories more often than it can be defined by someone's appearance.

Seeing a girl across the room, holding a wine glass with pretty hands and making people smile, or a moment in the morning where the wind runs through a girl's hair, or a girl I'm noticing someone walking by in a Members Only jacket, are simple moments that should never be taken for granted.

oh wow~ it looks like its time to change!! lol... i need to do my manicures and pedicures more often... the last time i did mani and pedi was before raya... hair...?? it cost me like abundle if i were to go for wash and blow dry twice or may be three times a week... but its true... it gives a huge impact on your appearance... a friend of mine even asked me to go and blow my hair more often coz it looks beautiful... lol!! attitude...?? yeah... i have attitude problem... i LIKE to shout at people... hahhahah... well... its not my fault because i think they are simply annoying... i can't help it... ;p

work is fine... the BP project is done... that means no superr late overtimes required... and i need to talk to the boss for my increament... heheheheh... the boss said we have to 'chase' whatever we want (in order for the job to be done) and so i'll sure be chasing him for my increament... too bad~

2008-11-16T23:30:00.002+08:00

friendster sucks!!
i lost all my friends... 300++ of them!! like wtf..?!
and somehow there is a bulletin posted by me... when it had been ages since the last time i posted any bulletin...
in the other hand, facebook wroockkks!! ahahhaha...
i am sooo addicted to facebook... i wonder why... may be it is because of the applications...

weekend was good...
went for ping pong in cyberjaya... like so far away from home...
then we drove all the way from cyberjaya to kajang because fellow friends want to get drunk... hahahhaha... we spend like 2 hours to look for KK Mart (the only mart that sells liquor at wee hours)... and when we got home, drank 2 cups then everybody tido... yeah... 2 hours and fuel for nothing... thanks!! lol...

went for wedding in melaka today... then we hang around melaka city and i bought the nyonya umbrella... pink colour... cute!! will update the pics when i get it...

i can't wait to go for FREEDOM ELITE on saturday!! weee~ i am one of 5000 members that are selected to attend the event!! but the problem is; i haven't receive the VIP pass yet!! where the hell is it...?! i hope mama didn't throw it away... keeping my fingers crossed...

2008-11-15T01:00:00.003+08:00

its a weird feeling...

i can't believe that you could give such a big impact in my life...

but i guess good things don't last long...

i am wishing you all the best in your life...

and i hope that someday we will meet again...

i am praying to GOD; hoping the almighty will give me all the will power and strength so that i will be strong enough to take you out of my mind...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Take The Good With The Bad

Smile With The Sad

Love What You Got & Remember What You Had,

Always Forgive But Never Forget,

Learn From Your Mistakes But Never Regret,

People Change & Things Go Wrong…

But Just Remember, That Life Goes On.

2008-11-13T22:40:00.002+08:00

omg!! i am sooooo relieve~

why...??

because i get to connect to the internet... hahhahaha... i feel so bodoh without internet... no blogging... no facebook-ing... no chatting... no mails... fuh~ like at last!! lol...

the office server is bengong...

the house phone just being reconnected...

and maxis internet sucks...

went to McDonalds yesterday... drivethru...

me : u cakap dengan orang tu...
me : i want to move it move it~
ajoy : tak nak la...
me : u ni boring la...
the girl : may i take your order...??
ajoy : chicken mcdeluxe... bla... bla...bla...
me : change the coke to milo...
me : i want to move it move it~
the girl : what...???
me : i want to move it move it~
the girl : laugh
-_-" i am so chayaya~

went home... and when i entered my room i saw a paper bag on my bed... obviously its for me... duh... and so i opened it and i saw a dress and a card... its from mama... hehehehhe... i read the card and i cried... she bought the dress for my presentation in brunei (which is not confirmed yet..)... and so i go to her room and hugged her and kissed her... and she hugged me and kissed me back... wah... so effing sweet kan...?? can't remember the last time she kissed me... i love my mom!!

me : thanks...
mama : thanks je...??
me : sorry...
mama : sorry je..??
me : then nak cakap ape lagi...??
mama : cakap promise tak minum lagi...
me : insyaallah...
mama : tak nak stop drinking la tu...
me : i'll try... cannot stop everything at once...

and i went out of her room because i was crying... ha~ how touching...
there is something that she wrote in the card that i wanna share...

i can't choose the daughter i want to have
neither can u choose the mother u want to have
but we can choose to understand and tolerate each other;
and respect each other and be responsible to each other.
hope u will be more responsible and mature
thro' these experiences...

and wanna know what she wrote on the envelope...??

for you,
my stubborn beloved daughter

lol...

2008-11-10T15:44:00.002+08:00

weekend was great despite the fact that mama is still not talking to me... haiizzz...
went to cyberjaya to play ping pong with friends... it was my first time playing and i think it is a quite good sports for me... hahahhaha... i am thinking of making it as weekly routine... sounds fun!! lol...
btw, here is a video of me versus kdo...
yeah... we suck at playing ping pong... but we had a hell lot of fun!!

after ping pong-ing, we headed to the nearest mamak to get some food then we went to kdo's house and had a so called 'private party' where everyone is sleeping and i and kdo had to finish all the drinks... then esok bangun hang over... huuhhh~

hang out with dear cousin on saturday...

we went to bangsar to do spa treatment, then we went to nelayan restaurant but unfortunately it is full... after that we went to kelana jauh yang punye jauh tu to eat at kelana jaya sea food but we cannot find the restaurant... how chayaya is that...?? lol... at last we dine in at tupai-tupai restaurant in kl... the food was good... after finishing the food and chit chatting, we went to planet hollywood to slack and chill... the band was good... but it is not really my thing coz i love to dance... hehehhehe... overall, it was fun!!

went to watch quantum sollace on sunday... and it is not as i expected... the story line is not that good...

anyways, i had been crying alot last week... thanks to mama...

i told her that i went out with dear cousin and she said i am out with some jantan and that is why i refused to tell her who is that cousin... -_-

and here are the msgs that i send to her...

seriously i don't know what is your problem... kua dengan cousin sendiri pun tak leh ke pe...?? why izit so hard for you to tryst me...?? ouh yeah... its because i cannot be trusted and i am such a bad daughter... you know what... may be i am just tired to try and impress you because all this while the thing that i hear from you is "oh...somebody's child is like this like that... other people's child is super good,responsible and successfull and all..." and what do i get for my achievements and all...?? not even a congradulations... you even say that there is nothing to be proud of... if you think that i am not successful enough, well i work my ass off to get where i am today even it had been for a few months only... i tried so hard to impress you... may be i don't try hard enough because you cannot seem to notice it... i am sorry if you think i am such a failure and i am an embarestment to you... the truth is, i am tired of trying... even if i go work on saturdays, you say i go out and have fun... i don't even know if you love meor not because you had never say that you love me and i can't even remember the last time you hugged me... do you know how it hurts seeing other people's mom hugging their daughter and say that they love them...?? if you don't... i am telling you this... it hurts so much and i cried because of that small little hugging and kisses that they get from their moms.. i know you gonna say that i am so childish and all... but seriously don't take forgranted all the small little things as it can give a big impact to someone... but yet again... like you said... i am just an unworthy and disgusting daughter... so there is no use for me to say anything... i am sorry if i hurt your feelings...

yeah... the msg was that long... and what did mama replied...??

so you don't want to change to be a better person..?? you are happy and proud to be bad..?? you want to grow old and die as a bad person...?? don't wait till its too late... you may choose to be happy and miserable... you want me to trust you but you keep so many secrets from me... you don'e respect me... you do bad things behind my back... you have been so mislead.. you fail to check your behaviour... i trusted you... you lied to me and i pretend i don't know you keep secrets from me... it hurts me you doing all these... you said i dont love you... i am so tired working... you said you tried to impressed me... i never told am proud of your achievements... i gave you gradualtion bear as a token... i don't hug and kiss you + say i love you because i am angry at you for taking me forgranted... its a 2 way street... i am not as dramatic like your friend's mom...

okey... i can only type that... as it is tooo long and i dont think it is relevant for me to write everything here...

and so she didn't express all the love because she is mad at me... hurmmm... then she must be mad at me since i was little... huh~ whatever it is... i just wanna forget about it and act like there is nothing wrong... that is the best that i can do right...?? it is useless for me to say anything to her as it will come back to me... yeah... i am the bad daughter y'all... and she said i am proud of it... and she said she is leaving malaysia for good next year... and she didnt tell me... she told ajoy... and i am supposed that he is more important than me... ajoy... please don't get me wrong... i am just reffering to my mom... i think it is for the best... i won't argue with her that much and i won't get her mad because we will be like soo farrr farrr away from each other... the cure for this problem is... stay away from each other... wtf...?!

enough of that... i am having migraine like everyday... ada barah otak agak nye... hahahhahaha... fuck it!! i hate my life!! i just wanna be loved!! thats all... but i am just not worth it... cheers to me...

2008-11-06T17:16:00.005+08:00

You know that it's over when the burnin'
And the yearnin' inside your heart ain't there anymore
And you know that you're through when she don't do to you
And move you like the way he moved ya before

can you see the dark circles around my eyes...??

duh... its so obvious right...

i need more rest... more sleep... and a body massage...

speaking of body massage; i am going for facial and body massage with ******* (sory... i can't mention her name since its a secret...hahahahha...) this saturday!! weee~

its been months since i last did facial and body massage... i really need it!! after all those mind squeezing and body aching drafting that i am doing; i really owe myself a treat... =)

a friend asked me why am i afraid of love...

and the answer is... i am afraid that i might hurt somebody...

yes... thats the fact... i know how deeply it hurts... and so that is why i am afraid that i might hurt somebody and i myself is afraid that i'll get hurt... i know all the 'have to take the risk' speech and bla bla bla... but it is easier to say then to be done right...??

and i am so stress out whenever 'people' around me mention to me about marriage and all because i am just not ready to move to that phase of life and i am still confused with my feelings... i don't think i can make any serious decision at this point of time... i know it hurts to hear it from me, but seriously, it is better to get hurt now then later... its up to you and you and you to stay or leave... ;)

enough of sad love stories... i wanna go home!! like seriously!! i can't remember the last time i get to go back at 6 pm... i wanna go home... sight seeing.... shopping... hang out... haiiizzz~

~~i want to hate you...~~

~~i want to get my mind off you..~~

~~but i can't...~~

~~but why...??!!~~

2008-11-05T10:22:00.002+08:00

listening to CRUSH by david archuleta

a very happy birthday to my dearest cousin, hadzah aka adik aka belo aka mondok and the list goes on and on... lol...

May you live to be a hundred years

With one extra year to repent

and so mama is STILL not talking to me...

i am sure she is not gonna talk to me unless i talk to her first...

and she will continue ignoring me eventho i talk to her...

yeah... thats my mom...

i feel like something is missing in my life...

life...

may be i am missing my life because i had been working and working for the past i don't know how many months and i had been 'ignoring' everything that is enjoyable in life...

and i miss my oh so far girlfriends...

and i miss 'love life'...

i mean the sweet and full of hugs and kisses love life...

you know what i mean right...??

the problem is, i just cannot get the 'feel' right now...

may be i have some problem with my neuron system or something... lol...

and clubbing life is not as fun as it used to be...

may be because of the crowd...

nah...

may be because the fellow friends are not around to join...

what would i do when i become a mother :

- i would NEVER mention about ghost

- i would remind my kids that i LOVE them every single day

- i would KISS them before i go to work and every night

- i would COOK their favourite food

- i would HELP them with their homeworks

- i would not COMPARE them with other people's kids

- i would scold them but at the same time i'll TELL them why

- i would ASK them if they have any problems

- i would try my best to LISTEN to them

- i don't want to use any VULGAR words to them

- i want them to feel LOVED <---- thats the most important thing

- i would set a CURFEW for them (starting when they become teenagers)

- i would SHARE my life experience with them

- i want the FATHER to be there as they grow up

- i want to BE THERE for them no matter what

- i would ALWAYS acknowledge and congratulate their success and acheivements

- i would SUPPORT them in every good thing they do

i think all the things that we want our kids to practise should be thought since they are babies or may be toodlers; so that they won't feel all the 'pressure' when we say that they cannot do this and that...

i just wanna feel loved...

2008-11-04T18:47:00.006+08:00

new layout!!

yey!!

thanks for your help dear... wink2... hhehehehe...

mama is still not talking to me...

sigh~

i seriously hate this situation...

i think it would be better if i get out of that house...

we won't argue that much and may be we will get even closer that way...

-_-

depression is my best friend... wtf right...?!

btw i have something nice to share that made me think twice to get the hell out from that house...

i hope it gives the same impact to my fellow readers too... =)

================================================

Mak.....

Terlalu bosan rasanya duduk membilang hari.....

Dah hampir sepuluh bulan mak pergi,

Rasanya baru semalam mak peluk kiter kan sejuk syahdu masih terasa lagi nih....

Mak tau tak.....

itu lah pertama kali mak peluk anak mak yang nakal ni sejak kiter dewasa.....

dan itu juga terakhir kali nya.

Emmmm...

rupanya mak dah tau mak nak pergi jauh.....

nak tinggal kan anak2 mak.....

nak tinggal kan dunia fana ni.....

mak macam dah sedia.....

Seminggu sebelum tu.....

mak dah menganyam tikar mengkuang 3 helai.....

Akak kata sampai ke pagi mak anyam tikar tuu....

tanpa rasa mengantuk, tanpa rasa letih.....

kakak pun rasa hairan.....

mak tak penah buat gitu.....

pastu mak pasang radio kecil di sebelah mak.....

tapi mak seolah2 tak sedar bahawa rancangan radio tu siaran siam ......

kengkadang siaran indonesia ...

mak terus tekun menganyam...

Rupanya tikar yang telah mak siapkan tu di gunakan untuk mengiringi mak ke kuburan...

Pastu mak sapu sampah sekeliling rumah bersih2....

pastu mak jemur karpet-karpet. ..

pastu mak ubahkan sofa ke tempat lain..

mak biarkan ruang tu kosong..

rupanya kat situ jenazah mak diletakkan..

paling menarik sekali mak bgtau kat maner sume duit dan barang kemas mak..

ada kat dalam almari.....

ada kat dalam dalam beg.....

ada dalam ASB.....

ada kat dalam Tabung Haji..

mak cakap tak berapa cukup lagi....

ada kat dalam gulung tikar.....

masa tu mak perasan takk..??

kiter gelak sakan bila mak bgtau duit dalam gulung tikar...

kiter kata mak ni memang pesenn lama laaa...

mak cuma gelak jer...

eeemmm..bahagiaa nya saat ituu..

Mak.....

Hari tu hari sabtu 18/08/1999 pukul 3 petang mak tiba2 sakit perut.....

bila malam tu kiter sampai dari KL.....

mak dah dalam kesakitan.

Akak dan abang kat kampong semua dah pujuk.....

mak tetap takmau pi hospital.... .

dan cuma tinggal giliran kiter sahaja yang belum pujuk..

Mak kata mak takmau duduk dalam hospital.... .

tapi kiter berkeras juga pujukk..

nanti di hospital ada doktor...

ada ubat untuk mak..

kat rumah kami hanya mampu sapu minyak dan urut jer..

Mak tetap tak bersetuju... ..

mak memang degil..

tak salah, anak mak yang ni pon mengikut perangai mak tu..

Tapi akhirnya bila melihat keadaan mak makin teruk....

mak sakit perut sampai nak sentuh perut mak pon sakit

kami adik beradik sepakat hantar juga mak ke hospital....

Mak.....

amponkan kami semua...

kami nak mak sehat...

kami sayang mak...

kami tak mau mak sakit...

kami terpaksa juga hantar mak ke hospital....

ampon kan kami yer mak....

Mak.....

Malam itu abang bawa mak ke hospital

dan itu lah pertama dan terakhir kali mak naik kereta kiter...

Masih terbayang betapa ceria dan gembiranya mak,kiter kata nak beli kereta....

Mak asyik tanya ajer..

cukup ker duitt..

kiter jawab pula...

kalau tak cukup, mak kan banyak duit...

mak gelak ajerr.....

Lepas tu bila kereta kiter sampai....

mak buat kenduri kesyukuran.. ....

Dan kiter masih ingat lagi...

bila kiter eksiden terlanggar Ah-Chong naik motor.....

Punya la kiter takut...

kiter warning kakak kiter jangan sesekali bgtau kat mak.....

Bila balik sahaja kampong....

kiter cepat-cepat simpan keta dalam garaj.....

Tapi mak perasan juga bumper depan kemek...

mak tanya kenapa...?

Selamba jerr kiter jawab terlangar pokok bunga.....

Mak....

tujuan kiter menipu tu supaya mak tak risau...

Maafkan kiter kerana sampai mak pergi mak tak tau hal sebenar...

mak, kiter menipu mak kan ...

ampon kan kiter....

Mak.....

Jam 4.30 pa gi 19/08 /2006

Bila tiba aja kat hospital....

nurse tengah balut mak dengan kain putih.....

mak mesti nampak kiter jatuh terduduk di lantai hospital...

Mesti mak nampak abang cium dahi mak.....

Mesti mak nampak akak baca doa untuk mak....

Mesti mak nampak adik terduduk kat kerusi kat sudut itu...

mesti mak nampak semua tu kann...kann. .kannn

Mak tau tak....

Pagi tu balik dari hospital jam 5.20 pagi kiter mamandu dalam keadaan separuh sedar...

Adik kat sebelah diam melayan perasann...

Kenangan bersama mak berputar dalam kepala ini...

jalan di depan terasa makin kelam.....

airmata dah tak mampu di tahan....

Masa tu seandainya apa-apa terjadi di jalan itu kiter rela...

Namun alhamdulillah akhirnya kiter sampai juga...

di sebab kan pagi masih awal, jadi jalan tu lenggang..

kosong. ...

sekosong hati ini.....

Sepanjang perjalanan terasa kedinginan subuh itu lain benar suasananya.. ...

terasa syahdu dan sayu...

dinginnnn. ....

Mak.....

Kiter masih ingat lagi...

Kiter baca AlQuran kat tepi mak temankan mak..

Jam 11.00 pagi mak di mandi kan ....

Anak2 mak yang pangku masa mak mandi....

Mak mesti rasa betapa lembut nya kami mengosok seluruh tubuh mak.....

Kiter gosok kaki mak perlahan lahan.....

Mak perasan tak...?

Makcik yang mandikan mak tu pujuk kiter.....

Dia kata..." dikk...jangan nangis...kalau sayang mak jangan buat gitu...jangan nangis ya.."

Bila makcik tu kata gitu...

lagi laaaa laju airmata ni..

tapi kiter kawal supaya tak menitik atas mak....

Mak.....

Sampai takat ini surat ni kiter tulis.....

kiter nangis ni.....

Ni kat dlm bilik...

baru pukul 4.00 pagi....

Takder orang yang bangun lagi.....

kiter dengar nasyid tajuk "anak soleh" kiter sedih...

kiter rindu kat mak..!

Takpa la....

nanti bila kita selesai sembanyang subuh,kiter baca yassin untuk mak...

mak tunggu ya..!

Mak..

Sebelum muka mak di tutup buat selamanya... .

Semua anak2 mak mengelilingi mak...

menatap wajah mak buat kali terakhir....

Semua orang kata mak seolah2 senyum aja...

Mak rasa tak....

masa tu kiter sentuh dahi mak....

kiter rasa sejukkkk sangat dahi makk.....

Kiter tak mampu nak cium mak...

kiter tak daya....

kiter tuliskan kalimah tauhid kat dahi mak dengan air mawar...

Airmata kiter tak boleh tahan....

Mak mesti ingat kan yang anak mak ni jadi imam solat jenazah untuk mak...

tapi kite suruh tok imam bacakan doa sebab kite sebak....

Jam 12 tengahari mak diusung keluar dari rumah....

Akak pula dah terkulai dlm pelukan makcik...

badan akak terasa panas...

makk...

anak mak yang seorang tu demam....

Mak tauu...

cuma akak sorang saja anak mak yang tak mengiringi mak ke tanah perkuburan.. .

Mak.....

Hari2 ku lalui tanpa kewujudan mak lagi...

Begitu terasa kehilangan mak...

boleh kata setiap malam selepas maghrib anak mak ini berendam airmata...

Dan sampai satu tahap....

masa tu malam jumaat selepas maghrib...

Selepas kiter baca yassin ngan kawan-kawan. ....

entah kenapa biler kat bilik kiter keluarkan gambar2 mak pastu apa lagi...

semakin kiter tenung terasa semakin sayu...tangisan tak dapat dibendung...

Mak tauu...

kiter cuba bertahan...

memujuk diri sendiri tapi tak juga reda...

Kiter rasa nak telefon mak...

nak cakap dengan mak....

anak mak yang ni dah tak betul kan ...????

Dan akhirnya dalam sedu sedan itu kiter telefon kampong...

Kiter cakap dengan kakak..

kiter nangis lagi...

Puas la kakak memujuk kiter...

Akak kata..." tak baik laa nangis aje..doa lah untuk mak.."

Dan akhirnya akak juga nangis.....

Mak tau tak..

di saat itu kerinduan terasa menusuk sehingga ke hulu hati...

rasa nyilu sangat...

menusuk-nusuk sehingga terasa begitu sakit dalam dada ni....

Sampai sekarang bila kerinduan itu menjelma...

hanya sedekah al-fatihah kiter berikan.....

Mak....

cukup la sampai sini dulu....

kawan kiter dah ketuk pintu bilik tu....

kejap lagi kami nak pergi solat subuh kat masjid...

selalunya, kiter yang bawak mak naik motor kan ....

kali ni kiter jalan kaki dengan kawan pulak...

esok kiter ingat nak tulis surat kat ayah pula....

Mula2 kiter tak tau nak hantar mana surat nih...

pastu kawan kiter bgtau...

simpan je buat kenangan..

Kiter cuma tau alamat ni aje...

Takper yer mak...

kiter kasi orang lain baca...

Kiter stop dulu...

sebab kawan kiter dah lama tunggu tu...

akhir kata untuk mak,I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

dan jutaan terima kasih kerana membesarkan kiter...

memberi seluruh kasih sayang dari kecil sampai masuk sekolah..

sampai masuk unibesiti..

sampai kiter boleh rase naik kapal terbang...

boleh rasa duduk kat negara orang...

sampai akhir hayat ini jasa mak tak akan mampu kiter balas..

Sekian terima kasih,

Yang Benar,

Anak mak yang dah tak degil

2008-11-03T14:48:00.004+08:00

am feeling quite depressed...
its like nothing that i do is right...
there is nothing that i can do to make mama proud...
how pathetic is that...??
she would go.... other people's child like this... like that...
other people's child are such good children...
and everything that i do is just plain WRONG!!

a good example...
"caca punya gaji $800 bagi mak dia $400... kau gaji beribu bagi aku $200 je..."

duh... i have a car... i need to pay my bills... the fuel... the parking...
okey2... may be she is a better daughter then i am but still... i do put an effort to give her some money... i know she doesnt really want my money... she has hers... she just wanna see if i am a good daughter or not...

i get scolding + slap + pinch from mama yesterday... because i was out the whole day... okey... for 2 days...
she said i am such a bad daughter...
the only thing that i wanna do is have fun...
i have no sympathy for her....
i am treating her like %$^%$
and my cat get scolding from her as well...

i am just really really sad because all this while i just get all this fucking scolding and the words that mama uses really hurts my feelings... i had NEVER in my life hear mama saying "I LOVE YOU" to me... seriously... sometimes i wonder if she loves me or not...

and she said the next time i am home late, i'll find all my belongings out of the house and she'll change all the locks... yeah... she has no problem kicking out her ONLY CHILD!! i cannot judge her... but it really hurts hearing all the stufs that she said... i am seriously thinking of renting a house and i'll bring baby to stay with me...

and she once told me i would know when i get a 'disgusting' daughter like me... and that is after i apologise to her... what did i do...?? i bought for her the wrong ticket... which is not my fault because she is the one who told me to buy in that certain date... and she scolded me because she said i am so inconsiderate and i should know that she gave me the wrong date... and she said the only thing that i care about is myself...

i just need some time alone~
i am miserable...
i should stop now before i start crying...